preparations

this is still bizarre.

i sat down yesterday to make a list of all the things i need to do before i go. it went like this:

*pack up stuff
*put stuff in car
*drive to utah


....

I eventually added oil change and having someone check my tires and fluids, but....wow, i really have nothing else to do. which makes me feel like i'm wasting my time. but then...but then i'll be gone, and...my friends! i can hardly wait to begin my second utah chapter, but every now and then it hits what i'm leaving behind here, and then i'm just all kinds of mixed emotions.

roommate tabby is wonderful. she has a happiness box. it is full of years and years of magazine clippings and other such things. she gave it to me to look through and take pretty things. it is a very inspiring and wonderful thing.



I LOVE MY PORTLAND HUMANS!!!

i really really do so much and....can't you all just come with me?

a little bit in shock

it may be wiser to wait a day or two to make this entry. but who wants to be wise all the time?

....bad question.

i want to write this now. when i'm still feeling it. whatever IT is. a lot of things....

i was fired from my job today. my employment was terminated. i was let go. however you wish to euphemize it, it was done. the reasons for this are vague and not altogether clear to me. in fact, i am baffled. i was shocked. i still am.

but whatever the reasons are, they are unimportant. because this is what is supposed to happen. i felt that the moment he told me i was no longer an employee there. this sense of: this is what's supposed to happen. this is the end of the portland chapter (for now at least). i'm coming back to utah.

there was definitely a period of hysteria. i certainly cried my eyes out for a good ten minutes. but good friends and eternal perspective have filled me with a sense of overwhelming peace. this is exactly what is supposed to happen. nothing went wrong. it's all part of this crazy and wonderful plan.

God works in THE MOST mysterious ways. and man, i love Him. This is a great adventure. It has been, and it will continue to be. I'm utterly excited for the next chapter of it.

i really do love my life. more with each day that passes. i am so so blessed to have had the experiences i have, but mostly i am so blessed to know the people i know. you are incredible. i feel so loved and supported all around. Heavenly Father loves each of us, and he has marvelous things in store. i love life! be excited. it's going to be epic.

realizations:

there are no boring people, only bored people. talk with someone about something they're passionate about, and you will discover that everyone is fascinating.

as limitless as the suffering in the world may be, so is the love. i, for one, would like to be a proponent of the movement for infinite love.

no matter how terrible/horrifying life can sometimes be, it's also hilarious.

the most interesting people are the ones who want to know everything. the eternal student is a truly wise soul, for he is always bettering himself.

there may be nothing more fulfilling to me than a meaningful, thought-provoking conversation.

a person's recurring dreams say a lot about them.

maybe sometimes the only reason horrid things happen is for the sake of having a funny story.

perspective is the key to most everything.

all this joking may have made me an actual supporter of male chauvinism. there seems to be no line between reality and play anymore.

i am surrounded by incredibly inspiring and inspired people. i have a lot to live up to, and i'm thrilled about it.

nothing will ever replace music. your treat today: swim until you can't see land by frightened rabbit. what the amazing, frightened rabbit.

back to what we know

things fall into place.

people fall into places.

people stumble upon people.

and the choreography, though we awkwardly trip through it at times, is perfect.

and i love my life (still and ever again). and i love the people who have floated, elbowed, and crashed their way into my corner of the universe. i am so fortunate. i am so loved. and i can never express how very much i appreciate and love You. my humans. my ones. without you, there Is nothing. there Is no reason, no purpose, no joy, no pain. no point. You Are Everything. We Are Everything. and I want You to know how inspired i am by You.

thank you thank you thank you thank you {IAMSOFILLED}

miracles happen everyday. and MIRACLES WILL HAPPEN THIS WEEK. because i said so. believe it. be it. you already are.

this is my home. these are my ones. they are mine and i am theirs and we are ours and everyone's. and all is love.

and understanding.

which, albeit not complete, is possible and REAL.

and now for some musics. my amazing brother jeffrey sent me an amazing cd for christmas (thank you to anyone who's ever sent me mail. it is my most favorite thing). and among the wonder i discovered the band boy and bear. whom i adore. there is something of fleet foxes here. behold:





and from my own personal arsenal of musical findings, broadcast 2000:





new year is perfect. new year is fresh. new year is fairly bursting with possibilities. and oh man i just really really love.



and i just don't say that word when i don't mean it.

i want you to feel the thrilling passionate grinding hope i feel at this moment. go.

a drab orbit biases

ah, yesterday i experienced for the first time the portland i had envisioned. it's all coming together, and soon life will feel the way it is meant to feel. glory glorious ablaze.....

(sam, cecily, brett, and shannon)

i met up with some ward people and their tagalongs at pioneer courthouse square, and then we gallivanted around the town. first to pastini pastaria, which graciously created a vegan dish for me.

(tegan)

unfortunately they forgot and still put the cheese on, so i separated that portion and gave it to a lucky winner.



we then took the MAX to the oh-so-splendid saturday market, in which i hope to someday take part.



this band was adequate, but the real magic was that they were covering a Beirut song.





puzzles!!! i was so enraptured as this man showed us his craft. there may have been a point where i giggled and shouted, "SHAPES!"



shortly thereafter, we departed, but meghan, tegan and i met up later to go to the canoe house show and celebrate meghan's upcoming birthday.



cameron and matt of canoe tune their instruments before the show. they played as a duo, which was wonderful, but i look forward to seeing the band in its entirety next month.



meghan and tegan and the magical wall of sun-tree in the background. this house was lovely. it reminded me of home. not a home i've ever had, just that floating, partially unattainable state of being we spend our lives searching for.

what i'm saying is that they had a dinosaur terrarium. and a three-legged dog named zelda.



this gentle and lovely man is A.W. Feldt. He is from Pocatello and he is magnificent. cameron of canoe described his music best when he said it "massages my soul."



this man of music would be jonathan sarenana, who lived in this house and hosted this event. thank you, sir. his music was also quite good.

after the concert, we attempted voodoo doughnut but were deterred by the lack of parking, the freezingness of the exterior world, and the enormous line. another time. i WILL eat me a doughnut.

so it was applebee's instead. they are NOT vegan friendly. be warned. at least they had my favourite food....



meghan, the birthday girl.

and if you made it this far.....congratulations!

also, videos of last night's show are on MY YOUTUBE PAGE!!!

i leave for utah tomorrow afternoon. can't wait to see you all. my life is truly wonderful. i am nothing short of ecstatic.

Ferocious Oaks + everything

i couldn't find an entirely satisfactory video, but...i love this band. i can't believe i didn't discover them when i was in utah. if you watch nothing else, please watch from 2:20 to the end. the drums, mostly. but also the tambourines and the soulful moaning and the....ahhh.

this also makes me miss velour. something about their lighting brings everything a little bit closer to its true magical potential.



as for life, there are plenty of good things going on, and suffice it to say i am happy. and more than that, i am peaceful. i have SUCH joy and hope for the present and the future and all of us (us being the "now us" but also including all those who will eventually come into our lives and change them and be changed by them).

i have this little theory sometimes that when Heavenly Father is feeling particularly desirous to express his love for me (and you and all of you), he choreographs a ballet just for me (and you and all of you). like...a breathtaking thunderstorm over a blazing sunset. or a moth landing on my hand. or a meaningful glance shared by strangers. little miracles. gifts.

and more and more, these miracles manifest themselves. i hope in some way i can help make the world more miraculous for other people....that i can play some part in this ballet.

everything is so perfectly flawed. there is just the right amount of dissonance to make this the most groundbreaking and heavenly symphony to ever exist. and here it is, and here we are, a part of it. surrounded by it, swimming in the music, dancing among the constellations, veritably flying.

i am i am i am i am
we are we are we are we are
this is this is this is this is
life

and my gratitude is endless.

the movie of life

in our lives, we are the star of the show. let's face it. we see the world through the lens of ourselves. we only have our perspective.

there are other important people, however. i call them costars. there are usually 1 to 5 costars at any given time. these are the people around whom our thoughts and actions revolve.

then there are the secondary characters. this group consists of most of the people we know. they play a pretty prevalent role in our lives, but aren't really the central consideration.

the last group before "extras" is the comic relief. these people have no real meaning to us, but they pop in every so often and do ridiculous things. like, you know, the fruit vendor below your apartment. or something like that. they might even have a speaking part.

and the rest of the world serves as extras. background characters.

they do rotate over the years, which is sometimes strange and sad but also necessary in the progression of the movie. because movies without conflict are hecka boring.

the difficult thing about moving to a new place is that i have relinquished any starring role i may have had in anyone's life. i am a secondary character to most people i know, perhaps even the comic relief. and to everyone i meet, at least at first, i am an extra.

an interesting occurrence in life is when two people cast each other differently. like you suddenly realize that you are someone's costar, when they were at best a secondary character to you. this is conflict.

and the crazy, insane thing is the realization that we ALL have these movies. extras are not just extras. they are each the star of their movie, with friends and family and drama and humor and everything else that exists in your spectrum of existence.

and all of our costars (except family) started out as extras. just people. we meet people every day, and we usually have no idea which ones will become a part of our life movie, as most just pass through, never to be seen again. when watching movies and television, it's a fun game to guess which of the extras will become relevant to the plot. on a particular episode of the x-files, mulder and scully are standing at a desk talking to someone, and in the background a woman is vigorously shaking her pen, trying to get the ink to come out. this is not typical extra behavior. i instantly knew she was going to play a part in the story. she then turned to scully and asked to borrow a pen, upon which, if i remember correctly, she planted some sort of listening device. correct me if i'm wrong.

in life, however, these people are harder to spot. there really is no "typical extra behavior," as these people are real and therefore are allowed to shake their pens vigorously without raising suspicion. are there ways to tell? is this just another meaningless meeting, or will this be the story of how you met your spouse? will this be the person who later moves into your apartment and mooches off you for a month? will this be the friend whose cat you accidentally (or otherwise) poison?

this movie is the most unpredictable movie of all.

Crippled.

i often laugh about the multitude of sidebar ads that constantly pop on my computer, saying things such as: "introverts suck!" "shyness is stupid!" "learn to be an extrovert!" etc. because it's okay now, because it can be funny now.

but the thing i hate to admit is that i don't entirely disagree. this introversion, shyness, whathaveyou, has plagued me my whole life. nowadays some people find that hard to believe, or think "sure, maybe you were shy, to some degree. we were all shy once." not so, my friends. not the way i was/am.

the most awful part is that people always attribute "shy" behavior to one of two things: low self esteem or snobbery. neither of which is the case. both of which are appalling and insulting to have it blamed upon. it's impossible to explain that i WANT to meet people, i WANT to talk to people, but i can't even bring myself to make eye contact. i hurry through hellos, avoid small talk at all costs, and get out of there, back to the safety of solitude. I HATE SAFETY. i hate that i do this. but every attempt that i painstakingly make generally fills me with regret and anger, because i can't be genuine when i am in the clutches of this...handicap. whatever you want to call it.

it is ridiculous how powerful it becomes sometimes. i had no friends the majority of my childhood....until tenth grade, actually, when theatre kindly forced friendship upon me in abundance. i always sat at a lunch table alone, almost convincing myself i was content, until the mockery and taunting became too much and i moved my lunchtime abode into a bathroom stall. i would sit there silently and try to escape into books, hoping no one came in. hoping no one noticed me. .... hoping someone would. i later found out many of the people i went to middle school with thought i was crazy.

the funny thing is that once i have just one or two people i feel comfortable with, it is entirely gone and i am free to be myself. it is at these times that i like meeting people, that i feel free and happy and uninhibited. this is most of my life, now. and i forget what it's like the rest of the time.

until it strikes again. and it literally feels like a cripple of sorts. it is the giant, seemingly insurmountable crest standing between me and any would-be friends or even acquaintances. because i don't even have the will to try. it is very easy for me to deepen bonds once they are there. i LOVE people. but it is nearly impossible for me to begin that process unless they sneakretly seep through the cracks in my wall that i can't quite tear down.

my first semester at UVU i was successful in remaining invisible. and it was the worst. so come january, i was more determined than ever to overcome this idiotic little monster. i worked on stage crew for chess, and i literally outlined specific things i would do to build relationships. (e.g. "make eye contact for more than 3 seconds with 3 people. smile at everyone. say hello to 10 people. ask 10 yes/no questions. ask 5 open-ended questions.") i did. i wrote that. in my notebook. and i checked it off at the end of the day, then wrote a new, slightly more difficult list for the next day. it worked. at least, i talked to people. and they talked to me. and after a while we were friends. the problem was that i had to put on a facade to do this, and it took months for my friends to meet "real me."

what i try to do is focus on the other person, to make them feel loved. and it's the most frustrating when i can't even bring myself to do that. when i can't even express honest admiration. because again, i LOVE people. and it does not seem like that, because i hardly make an effort. i just don't want to fake it again.

i'm certainly not as crippled as i was in middle school. most days i fool people into thinking this is easy for me. honestly, i'm the only one who knows there is a problem. and if that's the case, is there a problem? is it all in my head? am i just picking at scars from years ago that have already healed over? i'm going to hope so. i'm going to keep listening, and try to keep talking. i'm going to pray that they come to me. and i'm going to hope against hope that someday i will shake off these shackles (like in forrest gump) and i will run, and this will be easy.

photo by stevie shale @ the great salt lake, 8.26.2010.