commencement

I drove into Portland at dawn today (for here, in the Pacific time zone, it is still "today" for a few more minutes). Which seemed a fitting way to begin my beginning of whatever this is to be.

The drive was pleasantly uneventful. Neither Jacco nor I broke down at any point as I had feared we might. Aside from stopping to add oil and again to sleep for a few minutes, we travelled continuously from yesterday at five p.m. to this morning at nine thirty. It wasn't supposed to take quite that long...the last four hours were spent in Lake Oswego being oh so hopelessly lost. But what a place to lose yourself! Every wrong turn simply led me into another lush and living wonderland.

I LIVE IN THE FOREST.

It's everything I ever dreamed it would be. I go outside and nature hugs me.

I did finally discover my house, WHICH IS GREEN. with teal carpet. and squirrels skittering up the moss-draped trees. And ferns. So what I'm saying is it's perfect.

And it's a good thing I'm in this place that is so strangely familiar to me. It's a good thing I have school on monday. It's a good thing that I'm going to drive around tomorrow and look for a job. It's a good thing my roommate's girl-crazy friend has chosen me as his future wife before meeting me. It's a good thing anything at all is happening, because the more details I can focus on, the more I can obsess over this beautiful paradise I find myself in, the less I will think about the dark and blooming fact that lies underneath it all:


I'm terrified.