let's talk for a moment about the why.

after the series of questions i am barraged with each time i mention oregon (do you have family there? ...friends? ...a scholarship?), and after my series of negatory responses, the final query is always "why?"

i don't have a reason. not a good one, anyway. I have plenty of justifications, such as: "they have good trees?" or "(mumblemumble) voodoo doughnuts..." but no satisfactory explanation.

in fact, there have been many times over the course of this summer that i have entirely HATED the prospect of leaving. because let's face it. my life here is wonderful. I have a mildly enjoyable although insultingly cheap job, i go to a great university with stellar faculty, and i am friends with the most wonderful people alive. (I'm not hyperbolizing for your sake; I've done research and remain convinced.)

BUT still I go. although it's going to send me into unnecessary debt, and I'm not receiving any school credit for it...still I go.



why?



Last october, I was on a train. I was happy but dissatisfied with my current station in life. And it was then that I realized there were no ties keeping me here. I could go, do, and be anywhere, anything, and anyone I wanted to. And the other realization came that this will perhaps be the ONLY time in my existence where this is entirely the case. it was then I decided to go to oregon.

not forever....

but just...to know. to be in another place, all by myself, and live.

i prayed about it, and from there everything just fell into place. i discovered the national exchange program, which is magically allowing me to attend portland state university for the school year and pay resident tuition. Glory.

joyjoyjoyjoyjoyjoyDOUBTS.
Because suddenly there WERE ties i wanted to keep. Suddenly my life was nearly perfect, and how could I leave it?
9 months isn't that long. but it also IS.

i prayed some more. I thought some more. and once again I decided to go. Finally I was ready again. Finally it felt right and good.

and then my financial aid screwed me over, because I'm paying more money than i'm getting. It is going to be just this side of impossible, but i am determined at this point. I don't know how much this will alter my life; I don't plan on that, though I'm always open to it. Margaret brought up a good point, which is that perhaps someone there needs ME. which actually makes lots of sense. Because while I do love oregon, I don't need it.

I leave next wednesday...if the universe doesn't stop me first. I leave next wednesday.

And I suppose the only explanation I can honestly offer is...

why not?