ode to pumpkin

may i just say, i am ecstatic that october begins tomorrow.
^ (this type of sentence has always perplexed me. is it supposed to end in a question mark? seriously, though. if you know, let me know.)

as i was saying....there is very little in this world, with the exception of humans, that brings me greater joy than the month of october. it is such a mass of goldencrunchapplepiepumpkincoffeefloatglowleaveschillynutmegmittens sensory overload. unabashedly orange. and it always feels like the beginning to me, not the end. though the leaves the flowers are dying and falling falling to the forest floor, it is a more glorious death. like a phoenix, born in its majestic demise, the heart of autumn sets itself ablaze and pounds on in rhythm to a new life.

it feels utterly fitting to be here now, embarking on my new life as all turns to lush and golden flame around me.

but sometimes it hurts. last night was particularly hard. i go to school and then i apply for jobs, but in the long hours afterwards while i'm procrastinating my homework, there is little to occupy my time. so i fall deeper into the occasionally dismal abyss that is my mind. to keep from going insane, i just drove. every day, i explore a new place with the hope that maybe someday i'll know which way is north. maybe someday i'll feel oriented.

i stick to the cities, knowing if i wander too far i may never get my bearings back. as i passed restaurant after restaurant, i considered buying food. food is supposed to make people happy, right? but contrary to what society tells me, i find that there is no satisfaction in impulse shopping. or eating. i passed clothing stores and shoe stores. i pulled into parking lots, intending to at least go inside, but something chained me to my seat and i couldn't.

then i saw petsmart.

and it dawned on me: i must buy a fish!

it makes perfect sense, yeah? if i can't have furry pets and i can't have friends yet (they just don't SELL those kind of services, at least not legitimately), the next best thing with eyeballs and a brain will do. (some fish's brains are even visible!)

so i walked into the petsmart with great determination. i was the only customer, as it was around 9 pm, but i strutted past the greeter with vigor. i knew my purpose in this place. i headed straight to the wall of fish, where i was suddenly whelmed with the responsibility i was assuming over this creature's life.

i remembered, then, why i had boycotted fish as pets all these years:

*they seem to have no souls.
*because of aforementioned belief, i frequently forget they are alive.
*they are afraid of me.
*my childhood fish were cannibals. watching your children eat each other is no testament to your mothering skills.

i looked into the great, soulless eyes of some sort of orange fish and wondered, do i have what it takes to raise a fish?

i dejectedly walked away, knowing the answer. i just couldn't handle the possibility of loving this fish and then letting it die because of my neglectful fish-parenting (i assure you, my human instincts are far more reliable).

i left unsatisfied.

but today is better.

i have a fantastic roommate, immeasurably loved friends and family in utah (and california!), and that great balloon of a thing we call hope. and apparently i'm goodish at improv.

i feel better about rewarding happiness than sorrow. so i went to jamba juice and got the thing the thing the mighty thing which i await all year.....

THE PUMPKIN SMASH JAMBA.

this. is. autumn in a cup.

and it all rushes back to me, this fiery and passionate and above all ALIVE feeling. electricity pulses up through my feet and into my heart and mind. and i know that behind this dark curtain of soft autumn night lies that oh-so-real thing i lovingly call the future. and that i am HERE. life, life can be where'er and whate'er i want. i made it this far.

and the golden days embrace me when you can't. i hope your autumn is doing the same for you, in my place. ♥
always.