Tuesday, November 30, 2010

a story for december

He yanked his father's galoshes on and scampered out the front door into the bitter black. Icy wind slapped his face and pulled tears from the corners of his eyes. Nothing was visible but the hard, glittering snow that covered the ground and the looming silhouette of his house against the clouded sky.

Thump, thump. The noise echoed from the roof and he shivered in his pajamas, staring anxiously. He could see nothing.

“Who's there?” His voice cracked in the empty night, betraying his panic.

The thudding came again, and he picked up a small jagged rock from the driveway.

“Hello?!” he screamed, louder and harsher.

He launched the rock, with all of the adrenaline he could muster, at the roof.

A soft sound of impact, then the rock tumbled back down. He hurried across the lawn to retrieve his fallen weapon. He picked up the rock, now wet and warm and red with blood. His eyes widened as he looked up.

And then a great weight was upon him and he struggled to breathe. He frantically wriggled his way out, staring at the mass. Some sort of animal. A deer. Its face was buried in the snow, where a warm glow flickered in and out.

His mind vaguely recalled books, about the forbidden holiday and the Anti-Christ and the dogs of the sky. Books that had been hidden, disposed of years ago.

It couldn't be.

That was all a lie. He had been told countless times that it was all a lie, and yet...he rolled over the great horned beast and saw the very thing he had dreaded. The shining red nose flickered a final time, then went out like a lightbulb.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

a drab orbit biases

ah, yesterday i experienced for the first time the portland i had envisioned. it's all coming together, and soon life will feel the way it is meant to feel. glory glorious ablaze.....

(sam, cecily, brett, and shannon)

i met up with some ward people and their tagalongs at pioneer courthouse square, and then we gallivanted around the town. first to pastini pastaria, which graciously created a vegan dish for me.


unfortunately they forgot and still put the cheese on, so i separated that portion and gave it to a lucky winner.

we then took the MAX to the oh-so-splendid saturday market, in which i hope to someday take part.

this band was adequate, but the real magic was that they were covering a Beirut song.

puzzles!!! i was so enraptured as this man showed us his craft. there may have been a point where i giggled and shouted, "SHAPES!"

shortly thereafter, we departed, but meghan, tegan and i met up later to go to the canoe house show and celebrate meghan's upcoming birthday.

cameron and matt of canoe tune their instruments before the show. they played as a duo, which was wonderful, but i look forward to seeing the band in its entirety next month.

meghan and tegan and the magical wall of sun-tree in the background. this house was lovely. it reminded me of home. not a home i've ever had, just that floating, partially unattainable state of being we spend our lives searching for.

what i'm saying is that they had a dinosaur terrarium. and a three-legged dog named zelda.

this gentle and lovely man is A.W. Feldt. He is from Pocatello and he is magnificent. cameron of canoe described his music best when he said it "massages my soul."

this man of music would be jonathan sarenana, who lived in this house and hosted this event. thank you, sir. his music was also quite good.

after the concert, we attempted voodoo doughnut but were deterred by the lack of parking, the freezingness of the exterior world, and the enormous line. another time. i WILL eat me a doughnut.

so it was applebee's instead. they are NOT vegan friendly. be warned. at least they had my favourite food....

meghan, the birthday girl.

and if you made it this far.....congratulations!

also, videos of last night's show are on MY YOUTUBE PAGE!!!

i leave for utah tomorrow afternoon. can't wait to see you all. my life is truly wonderful. i am nothing short of ecstatic.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010


a dazzling freefall
and laws of motion
with the velocity.
up and down
into swirling ambiguity


f l o a t i n g
particles of matter
individual journeys
with a common bond

and no parachute is
for (given time)
we shall
grow wings to F L Y.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Ferocious Oaks + everything

i couldn't find an entirely satisfactory video, but...i love this band. i can't believe i didn't discover them when i was in utah. if you watch nothing else, please watch from 2:20 to the end. the drums, mostly. but also the tambourines and the soulful moaning and the....ahhh.

this also makes me miss velour. something about their lighting brings everything a little bit closer to its true magical potential.

as for life, there are plenty of good things going on, and suffice it to say i am happy. and more than that, i am peaceful. i have SUCH joy and hope for the present and the future and all of us (us being the "now us" but also including all those who will eventually come into our lives and change them and be changed by them).

i have this little theory sometimes that when Heavenly Father is feeling particularly desirous to express his love for me (and you and all of you), he choreographs a ballet just for me (and you and all of you). like...a breathtaking thunderstorm over a blazing sunset. or a moth landing on my hand. or a meaningful glance shared by strangers. little miracles. gifts.

and more and more, these miracles manifest themselves. i hope in some way i can help make the world more miraculous for other people....that i can play some part in this ballet.

everything is so perfectly flawed. there is just the right amount of dissonance to make this the most groundbreaking and heavenly symphony to ever exist. and here it is, and here we are, a part of it. surrounded by it, swimming in the music, dancing among the constellations, veritably flying.

i am i am i am i am
we are we are we are we are
this is this is this is this is

and my gratitude is endless.

Monday, November 8, 2010

the movie of life

in our lives, we are the star of the show. let's face it. we see the world through the lens of ourselves. we only have our perspective.

there are other important people, however. i call them costars. there are usually 1 to 5 costars at any given time. these are the people around whom our thoughts and actions revolve.

then there are the secondary characters. this group consists of most of the people we know. they play a pretty prevalent role in our lives, but aren't really the central consideration.

the last group before "extras" is the comic relief. these people have no real meaning to us, but they pop in every so often and do ridiculous things. like, you know, the fruit vendor below your apartment. or something like that. they might even have a speaking part.

and the rest of the world serves as extras. background characters.

they do rotate over the years, which is sometimes strange and sad but also necessary in the progression of the movie. because movies without conflict are hecka boring.

the difficult thing about moving to a new place is that i have relinquished any starring role i may have had in anyone's life. i am a secondary character to most people i know, perhaps even the comic relief. and to everyone i meet, at least at first, i am an extra.

an interesting occurrence in life is when two people cast each other differently. like you suddenly realize that you are someone's costar, when they were at best a secondary character to you. this is conflict.

and the crazy, insane thing is the realization that we ALL have these movies. extras are not just extras. they are each the star of their movie, with friends and family and drama and humor and everything else that exists in your spectrum of existence.

and all of our costars (except family) started out as extras. just people. we meet people every day, and we usually have no idea which ones will become a part of our life movie, as most just pass through, never to be seen again. when watching movies and television, it's a fun game to guess which of the extras will become relevant to the plot. on a particular episode of the x-files, mulder and scully are standing at a desk talking to someone, and in the background a woman is vigorously shaking her pen, trying to get the ink to come out. this is not typical extra behavior. i instantly knew she was going to play a part in the story. she then turned to scully and asked to borrow a pen, upon which, if i remember correctly, she planted some sort of listening device. correct me if i'm wrong.

in life, however, these people are harder to spot. there really is no "typical extra behavior," as these people are real and therefore are allowed to shake their pens vigorously without raising suspicion. are there ways to tell? is this just another meaningless meeting, or will this be the story of how you met your spouse? will this be the person who later moves into your apartment and mooches off you for a month? will this be the friend whose cat you accidentally (or otherwise) poison?

this movie is the most unpredictable movie of all.