a little bit in shock

it may be wiser to wait a day or two to make this entry. but who wants to be wise all the time?

....bad question.

i want to write this now. when i'm still feeling it. whatever IT is. a lot of things....

i was fired from my job today. my employment was terminated. i was let go. however you wish to euphemize it, it was done. the reasons for this are vague and not altogether clear to me. in fact, i am baffled. i was shocked. i still am.

but whatever the reasons are, they are unimportant. because this is what is supposed to happen. i felt that the moment he told me i was no longer an employee there. this sense of: this is what's supposed to happen. this is the end of the portland chapter (for now at least). i'm coming back to utah.

there was definitely a period of hysteria. i certainly cried my eyes out for a good ten minutes. but good friends and eternal perspective have filled me with a sense of overwhelming peace. this is exactly what is supposed to happen. nothing went wrong. it's all part of this crazy and wonderful plan.

God works in THE MOST mysterious ways. and man, i love Him. This is a great adventure. It has been, and it will continue to be. I'm utterly excited for the next chapter of it.

i really do love my life. more with each day that passes. i am so so blessed to have had the experiences i have, but mostly i am so blessed to know the people i know. you are incredible. i feel so loved and supported all around. Heavenly Father loves each of us, and he has marvelous things in store. i love life! be excited. it's going to be epic.

remember spring swaps snow for leaves

what a joyful existence ever i lead! thank you thank you!

umm......it's been a really good week. i have few words, because of this. :)

oh, quick shout-out to BYU for their INCREDIBLE game tonight (!!!), which i had multiple sources narrating to me via phone. Go Cougars! ....i am entertained by sports, from time to time.

i'm kind of in love with my new job. i'm not sure i come across that way, as i'm usually functioning on about two hours of sleep due to DSPS insomnia....but i actually really do love my job. i love filing....and desks....and date-stamps....i love feeling productive and not being dehumanized.

so i recently challenged damon to a duel of the playlists, the theme being "colours" and the length 13 tracks. the results are below. you may partake of them. please do. and happy wednesday. and happy birthday to my sister rose! and happy.

quite happy.

spheric collision, or my telemarketing interview

I drifted in and the universe shifted. Theirs and mine, both comfortably unaccustomed to each other. Though, to be fair, They probably didn't notice. The lobby was unassuming enough: stylish asian girl at the reception desk, shiny floors, shiny windows, shiny counters, walls adorned in “modern art” probably purchased from ikea. All the same, it reeked of sin. Sin is a strong word. It reeked of a foreign world, as strongly as an unwelcome barrel of kimchi brought by your korean roomie into the dorm.

I filled out the clipboard-mounted application and waited, observing but refusing to take in my surroundings. The phone rang, and a suit-wearing young man leaned over the counter to answer: “Yo.” A smile crept its way onto my lips. It felt sneaky, being here. I had crossed over into enemy territory. But my skirt matched my shoes today, and no one was the wiser.

After a few minutes of strategic loitering, a tall man who resembled a pencil strutted around the corner, moving as if constrained to a grid. He took a moment to look each of the three of us in the eye. He was good. “Hello,” he said. A statement. We responded simultaneously in a cacophony of salutation. I refused to break eye contact. What a fun game this was turning out to be.

We introduced ourselves. “David.” “Erin.” “Jennifer—I had an interview at 5:15?”

It was 5:24.

“Did you just get here?” Jordan demanded, leaning forward in an effort to indimidate. A successful effort, I daresay.

“Yes.” Her honesty, at least, was admirable.

“Why were you late?”

“The MAX....” Poor Jennifer.

That apparently wasn't worth responding to. Jordan briskly turned and walked away. I laughed audibly.

He returned momentarily and ordered us to follow him. He was smiling, but it felt more like a sneer.

There were three rolling chairs situated in the conference room. Ah ha ha, we've been waiting for you....I sat down a bit too eagerly and rolled a few feet. David, on the other hand, had this down. He sat confidently, calmly, his back quite perpendicular to the floor.

Jordan preferred to stand. He towered over us, a statue of perfectly coordinating suit/tie/vest topped by a handsome face of stone and meticulously arranged chestnut hair. I wondered if he dyed it. He seemed the type.

“So do you know what we do here?” he asked, a challenge. But I had done my research.

I repeated precisely the description I had read online. “....or so I understand. Is that right?”

“That's exactly right, Erin.” He then proceeded to deliver his sales pitch to us. Oh, Jordan. You think I read your website but neglected to read the myriad of pages complaining about the fraudulent nature of your so-called-business? Not so.

I listened to his spiel, smiling politely when he chose to direct his comments toward me. He was now describing the job. Describing the ideal employee. Throwing out all those bohemian profanities: “driven.” “motivated.” “tenacious.” tenacious. Jordan, I can't even be bothered to capitalize my letters.

He explained how selective the business was, illustrating how much they had grown in their short time of operation. He paused every so often, at which point Jennifer and David (good little students!) were to comment: “Nice!” “Wow, that's impressive.” I was growing tired of the charade and my polite smile had shifted into a bit of an apathetic smirk. Jordan had begun to delineate the training period. We would spend a trial week “working our tails off,” after which the company would decide whether or not we were a valuable asset. He was telling us now because “the company” didn't like to “string people along.”

“I'm not going to lie; about 1 in 4 people makes the cut.” He happened to glance at me and I quickly shifted my facial expression to one of mock determination. After a bit more rambling about the job (“this isn't a job; this is a career.”), he asked us, with all the authority of a hockey coach in an inspirational film, “Can you do it?” This seemed to leave two options: you can do it, and you are a success; or you can't do it, and you are a failure.

Jennifer stumbled over her answer. “Sales isn't my favorite thing....but I can do it.” Way to try, Jennifer. Jennifer was 3 in 4.

David sat taller and gave the best speech i've heard in a long time. At least, the most ambitious and tenacious one i've heard. David had what it takes to be 1 in 4.

And then Jordan shifted his piercing gaze to me. I smiled wider and cocked my head to the side. “I'm really good at talking to people. And I'm really good at getting people to talk to me. But I can only commit to a few months, and I don't want to 'string the company along,' so to speak.” I used air quotes, with a smug satisfaction I have rarely known. “So thank you for the opportunity, but I don't think this company is right for me.” I stood and reached out to shake his hand. There was a moment of stunned silence as Jordan gathered himself and his fallen sales pitch. Then, with a respect generally reserved for those of his own kind, he nodded and shook my hand. I spoke to the three of them: "Thank you for your time, and good luck to you both.” I didn't look back until I was in my car. The building didn't look foreboding, as it had when I'd pulled up. It looked small and dim and hopeless. I hated this world, and I was never going back.

miracle of miracles!

seriously. miracles all over the freaking place. if i had like, a crazy cheesy picture of myself jumping, i would totes post it right now. but i don't.

(you know what's disappointing? i didn't invent the word totes. i totes thought i did. it's lost a lot of its lustre for me.)

so.....i'm healthy again! i can't express how miraculous this feels. i can stand up for more than ten seconds. i can walk instead of crawl! i can exist void of piles of blankets and a space heater and a bag of frozen stir fry on my head. i can type with both hands! i can spell words correctly! my life doesn't look like a 3D movie anymore! (not as fun as it sounds, friends). i can smile! boy howdy, i am just filled with joy right now. still a little dizzy, but that's to be expected after three days of zero food intake. oh, and i can eat!

something that was extremely frustrating is that i was going to devote this week to applying for a second job (because this stupidity of ten hours a week is not cutting it--another reason being sick was inconvenient). and then ever since monday morning i was severely incapacitated. tuesday, during a brief period of lucidity, i went down my list of possible places of employment and called them all. most places were either not hiring or "always accepting applications" (i know your wily ways), but there was one. yes, one miraculous encounter at the residence inn. the nice lady named erin said she wanted to hire another front desk person, but she'd have to check with the general manager, and we agreed that i could come in thursday afternoon for an interview of sorts.

this is ridiculous already. who gets an interview without getting off the couch?

my health steadily deteriorated from monday to tuesday night, when my fever must have spiked because i was shaking and delirious and not okay. wednesday was only slightly better. my brain seemed to be functioning with a bit more cognizance, but every other symptom was still present. so this morning, when i woke up all clear-headed and normal, i was astounded and filled with unexpected glee.

on a sidenote, my keys went missing earlier this week, and not having used them for DAYS, it has proven an impossible task to find them. so my wonderful friend sam graciously took me to my interview during his lunch hour. we met a lovely LDS lady at the front desk, and were having an overall splendid conversation with the employees. erin informed me that her GM had vetoed hiring on another front desk human, but that in a week or two, there would definitely be openings in other areas, whether housekeeping, banquet serving, or whathaveyou. and.....

she basically offered me a job. i'm not sure when i start, but her exact words were "we'll get you in here for a real interview, and then we'll get you started." miracle of holy miracles. who gets a JOB basically without getting of their couch?!

so this day is definitely the best day of the week. by FAR.

and i seriously am so grateful to everyone who's been so very friendly while i've been so very sick.

maddie and damon, thank you for providing me with plenty of witty commentary on day 1.

cecily and katie o and robbie, thank you for your concerns.

amos and evan, thank you SO MUCH for your many conversations on days 2 and 3. amos, i'm sorry i got you sick through internests, and i think you need to be better now. evan, thank you for screwing with my mind constantly. i was so confused so much of the time. and that friggin british animal video. i watched that like ten times. you were both there for the worst of it and i really needed that.

suzie/psiouxee, thank you for taking my phone call and helping me finish my sentences when my brain melted a little. i miss you always.

katie sue, thank you for finally talking to me. ha. you're such a treasure, even if you play hard-to-get hardcore.

and thank you sam, for trying so hard to find a blessing partner on day 2. it all turned out okay. and thank you for coming over on day 3 and filling my need for human interaction and warm fires. it was maybe my most favorite fire ever. and thank you for helping me out with my job stuff today. you are my hero a little.

oh, and thank you both amos and sam for your suggestion to take a hot bath. that was miserable and woozy but i think instrumental in curing me.

i seriously just am filled with love and adoration for these people. and the rest of you as well, but i am overwhelmingly grateful for all the love i've felt these past few days, even from afar. i wish you all could be here.

man, i'm so happy right now!

coming up soon on bloggityblogness:

*Santa Claus Story! (it's very dear and hard to put into words, but i shall try)

*the erin crabtree model of indicated apathy (my theory on "i could care less")

and hey, listen, i see you. i know there's like, hundreds of you, reading, sneakretly. you don't have to, but i would love your comments. if i can't have you, i can at least have your words. let me know what you want me to write about as well, if you have ideas!

have a miraculous day and meyyee kissmisstime!

remember how utah has the most majestic mountains of all?

To the City of Light!

Well, as many of you know, I have obtained a job! I am now a server at Chevy's Mexican Restaurant. I feel a bit like I just signed up for prison.

But it's a relief to have an income. I am very grateful for this.

I've been spending a lot of time with myself lately. My roommate Katie has a busy life full of work and nursing school, and I don't really know anyone else, so here I stay. Or rather, with myself I remain. I go plenty of places. The other day I had a picnic in the park, read some books, wrote in my journal, and went for a walk. 'Twas lovely.

And tonight, I found it! I found it, humans, the very thing I have craved for YEARS! That's right, The Brave Little Toaster. I can't believe i didn't think of it before, but there it is, in its entirety, on Youtube. Oh, that

glorious movie. It is my childhood.

I'm only about twenty minutes into it, but I thought I should share the lyrics to the first musical number, "City of Light."

Life is like a journey on a road that's within
Head says you should stay, but your heart says to begin
So you go
But you don't wanna go

Any life worth living
Isn't life just filled with ease
You just stay forgiving through the forest and the trees
And you'll go
Just where you wanna go

Time flies by in the city of light
Time stands still in the country
There's no time for a fuss and a fight
As we travel the land
And I'd be satisfied just to be not denied
To reside with some pride
While I ride
To the city, the city of light!

Light shines like a diamond in the city at night
When that diamond shines you know that everything's all right
But you know
We got a way to go

Let us meet the master
We don't wanna make him wait
You just keep a-knockin'
He will open up the gate
To that city of light

Master is a man with a plan I can understand
Master is a man of great reflection
Master is a man who lays his hand across the land
Master is the man of our affection

Time flies by in the city of light
Time stands still in the country
There's no time for a fuss and a fight
As we travel the land
And I'd be satisfied just to be not denied
To reside with some pride
While I ride
To the city, the city of light!

Odd....is this movie some kind of allegory for the plan of salvation? Just look at stanzas 5 and 6...this will require some contemplation. I'll let you know if the rest of the plot fits into this hypothesis.

ALSO, what the suicidal themes? This air conditioner splodes himself due to low self-esteem. The things I didn't know...