preparations

this is still bizarre.

i sat down yesterday to make a list of all the things i need to do before i go. it went like this:

*pack up stuff
*put stuff in car
*drive to utah


....

I eventually added oil change and having someone check my tires and fluids, but....wow, i really have nothing else to do. which makes me feel like i'm wasting my time. but then...but then i'll be gone, and...my friends! i can hardly wait to begin my second utah chapter, but every now and then it hits what i'm leaving behind here, and then i'm just all kinds of mixed emotions.

roommate tabby is wonderful. she has a happiness box. it is full of years and years of magazine clippings and other such things. she gave it to me to look through and take pretty things. it is a very inspiring and wonderful thing.



I LOVE MY PORTLAND HUMANS!!!

i really really do so much and....can't you all just come with me?

a little bit in shock

it may be wiser to wait a day or two to make this entry. but who wants to be wise all the time?

....bad question.

i want to write this now. when i'm still feeling it. whatever IT is. a lot of things....

i was fired from my job today. my employment was terminated. i was let go. however you wish to euphemize it, it was done. the reasons for this are vague and not altogether clear to me. in fact, i am baffled. i was shocked. i still am.

but whatever the reasons are, they are unimportant. because this is what is supposed to happen. i felt that the moment he told me i was no longer an employee there. this sense of: this is what's supposed to happen. this is the end of the portland chapter (for now at least). i'm coming back to utah.

there was definitely a period of hysteria. i certainly cried my eyes out for a good ten minutes. but good friends and eternal perspective have filled me with a sense of overwhelming peace. this is exactly what is supposed to happen. nothing went wrong. it's all part of this crazy and wonderful plan.

God works in THE MOST mysterious ways. and man, i love Him. This is a great adventure. It has been, and it will continue to be. I'm utterly excited for the next chapter of it.

i really do love my life. more with each day that passes. i am so so blessed to have had the experiences i have, but mostly i am so blessed to know the people i know. you are incredible. i feel so loved and supported all around. Heavenly Father loves each of us, and he has marvelous things in store. i love life! be excited. it's going to be epic.

so......

......uhh.........yeah..........hi.

i've neglected you....

i guess i must be busy with better things. yup.



so, uh.....how are YOU?

The Marvelous Day of Morgenstermung!

Well, it's that time of year again. "what time?" you ask. maybe. you might not have asked that at all. but i'm using the power of the internet and ignorance to put words in your mouth. but fear not. whether or not you asked, there is an answer, and i'll give it: "Morgenstermung." Now, if you haven't heard of the international holiday of Morgenstermung, don't be alarmed or ashamed; just know that your life is about to change in a beautiful way. And now I shall answer some frequently asked questions about this glorious occasion:

WHEN IS MORGENSTERMUNG?
Morgenstermung is celebrated on February 14th, coincidentally coinciding with Valentine's Day. But Morgenstermung is in no way an anti-Valentines day, nor is it associated at all. It is a separate and distinct celebration in which all humans are invited to partake.

WHERE DID MORGENSTERMUNG COME FROM?
The origins of Morgenstermung are....foggy at best. Most experts agree that probably some saint did something or fought something or ate something...and this is our celebration of it. It was epic. Feel free to fill in the blanks.

WHAT IS MORGENSTERMUNG?
Morgenstermung has been described as "an ancient tradition, a glorious day of cynicism and friendship." To tell the truth, though, whatever good thing you want to celebrate on Morgenstermung is accepted. Pluto and the Brontosaurus are acceptable things to honour on such a day. Also, if you can manage to combine cynicism and positivity, you win a gold star! Because S.A.D. is old news and we hate it. Negativity, that is. This is a beautiful day for all. a day of double rainbows and skipping and also monotone humour.

WHAT ARE SOME MORGENSTERMUNG TRADITIONS?
1. Listen to the song "Morgenstimmung."
You see, when a person googles "morgenstermung," strangely enough, there are no hits (well, until now). What does show up is "Morgenstimmung," a delightful classical piece from Peer Gynt that you may be acquainted with. The first tradition of Morgenstermung is to listen to this song in the morning. This will assure a pleasant outlook on the day. In fact, translated into English, Morgenstimmung means "Morning Mood." (Which indicates that, were Morgenstermung a German word and not a nonsense word, its translation would be roughly the same.)
2. Destroy something meaningless.
3. Create something meaningful.
4. Do something you have never done before (this doesn't have to be epic, like skydiving or starting World War III; anything will suffice.)
5. Greet people in a new way (bumping knees or touching ears are some examples. Try to follow through the whole day, when situations permit).
6. On the eve of Morgenstermung, it is customary to go outside and raise the collective energy of the universe by shouting "Everything is okay!" repetitively.
*Suggestions for new Morgenstermung traditions are welcome. That Saint who did a thing would have wanted it that way.

WHAT ARE SOME ICONS OF MORGENSTERMUNG?
The identifying images of this holiday are moonbows and the human heart.

a moonbow, the symbol of Morgenstermung.

the human heart, an essential organ.

COLOURS?
Morgenstermung was originally celebrated by wearing all black, but i assert that the impression that was given was mourning and also hatred of Valentine's Day and love. This was not the desired effect. So now, the colours to wear and decorate with on Morgenstermung are black and every bright colour--like a human moonbow. Take this as conservatively or as liberally as you like. Purism regarding this is accepted; just know you may be mistakenly counted among the masses of S.A.D. followers.

FOOD?
This part of the Book of Morgenstermung was chewed on by a dog, so I can't read it. Eat what you want. Jolly ranchers are a good Morgenstermung food. Colourful things. Frosting. Everything. Every food is appropriate for Morgenstermung.

GIFT EXCHANGE?
No exchange of gifts is necessary on Morgenstermung, but it can sure add a fun element of surprise and joy. Acceptable gifts include stuffed animals that are NOT any of the following: bears, adorned in pink or red, accessorized with hearts or kiss marks, or inclined to say "I Love You" when you squeeze any part of their body. The more obscure the animal, the better suited for Morgenstermung it is. Also a small robot is a welcome Morgenstermung offering. Or a space shuttle.

Well, there you have it. I hope that your newfound (or oldfound, as it were) knowledge of this holiday will bring you joy and enlightenment in days to come. I invite you now to celebrate Morgenstermung!!! Tell your friends! Ahoy!

textular nostalgia + buddy holly

my ghetto little cellular device has a rather small storage capacity, so i delete most messages immediately after receiving them to avoid the panicky "inbox full" message. some make it past the initial instinct, however, and it's fun from time to time to review which messages apparently deserved a second viewing. Here are a few of mine:

"Balls. Those are the only things I'm good at."

"Puma dildo land raid? Amazing!"

"yes. plan B as in other options, rather than the emergency contraception pill of the same name. I'll check."

"Eating Tara's ice cream and listening to Seal and thinking of you!"

"page two eighty of the return of the king."

"i got yelled at for saying goodbye to you on her time. I walked out."

"I am so excited for you to be a mother. Don't ask why I thought it. It just happened and I smiled."

Today marks a sad occasion. You see, today (February 3rd) is the 52nd anniversary of The Day the Music Died, when a plane containing Buddy Holly, Ritchie Valens, and J. P. "The Big Bopper" Richardson crashed on its way to a show in Clear Lake, Iowa, killing all passengers and the pilot on impact.

Maria Elena, Holly's bride of barely 6 months, was widowed. "In a way, I blame myself," she said. "I was not feeling well when he left. I was two weeks pregnant, and I wanted Buddy to stay with me, but he had scheduled that tour. It was the only time I wasn't with him. And I blame myself because I know that, if only I had gone along, Buddy never would have gotten into that airplane." She miscarried the baby shortly after.

My songs of the day are in honour of Buddy and Maria, plus all the true rockstars who were a part of this tragedy.





Oh, Boy! by Buddy Holly

Everyday by Buddy Holly



and thank you, Don McLean, for your lovely tribute:
American Pie

Buddy Holly, you will always be the King of Rock and Roll to me.

near perfection.

song of the day: Start a War by The National

no, really, though. you should know that my life is amazing. my weekend consisted of roller derby, flight of the conchords, THE OREGON COAST, beach bonfires, stars, stories, learning new words, church, shooting children with nerf guns, and games night. Oh, and Severely Wonderful Humans. i love my ward. and i love my friends. and i...

i love the ocean. every time i see it, i am filled with this rushing energy of eternity and power. the whole world feels invincible and mighty, and i am a small yet somehow significant part of it that could be swept away at any moment. there's something freeing in feeling so powerless. knowing i am surrounded by much larger powers than my own. i have an unofficial ritual. when i see the ocean, when i reach the shoreline, i run to meet it, and stop just short of the water. then i allow it to consume me (emotionally). i can't explain this part. it just happens, and there is jumping and smiling and squealing and occasionally tears, and it is incredible. then i run or walk along the water line until i can breathe again, or until i can't.

just know that if you ever take me to the ocean, these things will happen.

i am living in a dream that i have woven.

this picture is directly out of my imagination, albeit a bit blurrier. i am so astonished at what my life is. i'm sorry for all my vague statements, but i prefer to feel there is some degree of mystery in my existence....i adore everything. just know that. the oceans and the forest are only outward representations, symbols, of the consuming bliss i have found here.

for those of you who don't recall, i came here without an inkling of the reason why. i came here with no money and no plan, other than to study with the national exchange program for a year. and then, i supposed, i would return, perhaps. well, nothing has gone according to plan. which, if you know me at all, i consider to be a magnificent thing. i got a job which vaguely supported me for a while, but soon i was running out of money. it was find a new job or go home. legitimately. there was an ultimatum, and i almost failed. but miracle after miracle has kept me here, and i know more than ever that THIS IS WHERE I AM SUPPOSED TO BE. and i couldn't be happier about that fact, for this place is my personal heaven. these people are my ones. My Ones.

everything feels like christmas, only lasting. and every day is a surprise. and every week my life changes. i swear my jaw is still hanging open 90% of the time.

Duel of the Playlists II!

Our task this round was to create a six song EP about hats. it was very difficult, but enjoyable. See results below. And i'll post something real tonight or tomorrow.

Jaunty Chapeau (damon's playlist)

contains the brains (mi playlist)

*risk*

***She edged her way out from behind the parapet of her inhibition, eyes nervously darting in every direction. Every direction but behind, because that was an insignificant and shadowed place that held neither danger nor progress. Nostalgia never moved anything forward.

Lights sped by with dizzying velocity. Every encounter, coloured by the Doppler effect, felt like an almost imperceptible brush. And yet all the same, she sensed the peril the scene held if she were to move any closer. She was hoping to, for a few moments at least, simply observe. To plot her plot, and chart the safest course to the other side. But she hadn't anticipated the other set of eyes. Before she could prepare, he had caught her attention. And she, perhaps, had caught his as well. There, across the black and treacherous highway, boldly connecting with her own gaze, he waited. And she stepped into the light.

With one wrong step it would all be over. One of the great beasts let out a wail of warning as it flew past. She skittered back into the safety of the waiting forest, but couldn't help stopping. Couldn't help looking over her shoulder. Just....to see. To her great delight and trepidation, he was stepping over that great white line, toward her. She could see him more clearly now. Though his stance conveyed fearlessness, there was a quiver in his movement, an uncertain something in his look. And she was drawn to him.

Seconds felt like years as the crossing began. Each moment, her anticipation grew, and in parallel, so did her terror. They darted in tandem, realizing with each leap how very far apart they were, and how very hazardous their need for closeness was. If she could only look away, she could watch for traffic, could protect herself from the fatal blow. But his faith lent itself to her, and they flung themselves forward gracelessly. How very wide this highway was!

And then, before she could remember to inhale, a blinding flash of light, and there was no time to move. This was the end or it was the beginning. And it didn't much seem to matter now.***






oh, and this, of course:

when water comes to life by cloud cult.

remember spring swaps snow for leaves

what a joyful existence ever i lead! thank you thank you!

umm......it's been a really good week. i have few words, because of this. :)

oh, quick shout-out to BYU for their INCREDIBLE game tonight (!!!), which i had multiple sources narrating to me via phone. Go Cougars! ....i am entertained by sports, from time to time.

i'm kind of in love with my new job. i'm not sure i come across that way, as i'm usually functioning on about two hours of sleep due to DSPS insomnia....but i actually really do love my job. i love filing....and desks....and date-stamps....i love feeling productive and not being dehumanized.

so i recently challenged damon to a duel of the playlists, the theme being "colours" and the length 13 tracks. the results are below. you may partake of them. please do. and happy wednesday. and happy birthday to my sister rose! and happy.

quite happy.

Biv, Roy G. (guest playlist by Damon!)

by VIGOR (playlist by moi)

Paraprosdokian

I've been writing a lot lately...i just haven't been writing for you, you see. i'm mildly sorry for this. still, i shan't say much of anything right now. because recaps bore me, and i don't feel like "organizing." i will say a few words.

Draw...Money...Realtor (REAL-TOUR, not REAL-IT-TER)...Institute...Insomnia...Maths...Sweden....Dental ...Movie...Portlandia...Dinosaur (still and always)...Ceramics...Cookies...City...Anagram...Glass Unicorn...Farm...Late...Socks. This is an incomplete list of some words which have played a part in my week life. My life weak.

Tonight I look forward to the three Fs: Fugitive, Friends, and Pizza.

Here are some things you can read about if you wish:

*Paraprosdokian sentences
*Delayed Sleep Phase Syndrome...this explains what i cannot.

I enjoy you. Well, the portion of the greater You about whom i'm thinking when i say that.

good morning.

....huh. well that's kinda fun to say. AAAND for some reason my blog is 8 hours behind....

a series of unrelated and unimportant topics

TOPIC 1: how to pump gas in oregon

this blog is not going to tell you how to pump gas in oregon. the reason for this is that i still don't really know. and google provided scant information. it seems easy enough, i know. I KNOW! but i have troubles. i've tried a variety of ways, but none have felt entirely successful. if you're paying with a card, there is no issue. you pull up, turn off the car, roll down your window (not in that order, as i am repeatedly reminded), and hand the nice man/hermaphrodite your card. oh, you do also have to speak. that's one thing i would often forget at first. you wave your hand about and say something like, "fill it up with regular." or premium, if you're one of those people [who i'm not sure exist] who get premium gasoline. no, the heart of the problem lies in the fact that i pay in cash. in (almost) any other state, this is just as easy. you just go in, give them the moneys, and return to feed your car. however, here in oregon, you don't have a chance to think about getting out of your car before the man/hermaphrodite is leaning in, reaching for a card. the first time i encountered this problem, i awkwardly handed him/it a wad of cash, and mumbled something about "regular." he looked miffed, looked at the cash, and then went inside. i felt like i had done something wrong. since then, i slink out of the car past the attendant and again mumble something about regular, while showing them a piece of money (can we start calling it that? or even a slice of money?), then wander inside. the point is....it is a mystery to me. i do not like oregon's gasoline system. fin.

TOPIC 2: reasons you don't need utensils

1. who needs a can-opener when you've got scissors?
2. most things that you would usually cut with knives can be crumbled in your hands--like cheese! or plastic spoons, which you can "borrow" from any fast food establishment, make great substitutes.
3. when you're the only one drinking the juice, why not drink out of the carton?
4. old mail from the recycling pile makes great plates!

TOPIC 3: things i've invented

giant couch: it is a couch which is giant. NO. listen.

noisy thing: noisy thing can be attached to any device, such as key or computer or piece of money. noisy thing has its own phone number which can be called from any cell phone (you cannot talk on noisy thing; all it does is ring loudly--and maybe light up, too). noisy thing will change the lives of absentminded people everywhere.

night zoo: because i'm tired of all the furry animals being asleep. i came here to see a TIGER, dangit!

tiny animal and giant animal: these are what they sound like.

TOPIC 4: things i've learnt this week/things that have BLOWN MY MIND

how dinosaurs copulate. i would tell you here, but children read this blog.

the proper time to use have vs. has when following the word "none."

the concept of Thought Robbers, discovered in a conversation with Parker. I said it opened up a whole new world in my imagination, to which he replied, "Hide it! They'll take it!" Which BLEW MY MIND, because: the thought robbers don't even have to EXIST to be successful. because in avoiding them, we ourselves are limiting, and therefore robbing, our minds of thought. !!!

THIS SONG BLEW MY MIND. because what it is about is something which i love....ever ever so much. and it EXISTS. thank you, damon.

the world "appley." because i read "apply" wrong, and then WHAT??? it's too good. it's like peachy, only BETTER.

it definitely IS possible to eat too many cosmic brownies. possible and painful.

TOPIC 5: things with no category

I saw the oregon coast today! and also a DISASTER at the cheese factory!!!

damon sent me the most ridiculous good hat.

DINOCORN. no. think about it.

i want to draw/paint A LOT more.

MY JOB IS AWESOME. in case you didn't know, i got a job. at a real estate agency. where they play the shins and feed you hot chocolate. (can you feed someone a drink? what is the equivalent verb?)

i'm a big fan of mail. if you want mail, tell me your address. or better yet, send me some mails.

no, really. DINOCORN.

and this:

sing to the aminals!

this theme was way too easy.

realizations:

there are no boring people, only bored people. talk with someone about something they're passionate about, and you will discover that everyone is fascinating.

as limitless as the suffering in the world may be, so is the love. i, for one, would like to be a proponent of the movement for infinite love.

no matter how terrible/horrifying life can sometimes be, it's also hilarious.

the most interesting people are the ones who want to know everything. the eternal student is a truly wise soul, for he is always bettering himself.

there may be nothing more fulfilling to me than a meaningful, thought-provoking conversation.

a person's recurring dreams say a lot about them.

maybe sometimes the only reason horrid things happen is for the sake of having a funny story.

perspective is the key to most everything.

all this joking may have made me an actual supporter of male chauvinism. there seems to be no line between reality and play anymore.

i am surrounded by incredibly inspiring and inspired people. i have a lot to live up to, and i'm thrilled about it.

nothing will ever replace music. your treat today: swim until you can't see land by frightened rabbit. what the amazing, frightened rabbit.

with great power: my ode to the school of myers-briggs

okay, first, listen to this: The Night You Left New York by Slow Six. not necessarily first. you can listen while you read. all right, it's very long. almost ten minutes. but i promise you it will be worth it. when have i ever steered you wrong (as far as music is concerned)? also, if you're smart, all the songs i post on my blog are obtainable. ask me if you're confused. but keep it hush-hush.

now to our featured writing: this is an old poem. and not as applicable or strongly felt as it was then. but why not say it? why not say anything?

these nuclear ABCs
thrust into our hands
regurgitated alphabet soup
[that leaks into our pores
and infects our veins]
TOO.MUCH.POWER
like cars or the internet or love
we become
ambassadors of understanding and
weapons of judgment
glowing radiation from our pedestal
bestowing
{four letter names}
like godly gifts:
“You're Welcome”
and argument is futile
because we are
the educated ones
and moreover
the intuitives
wizards, elves
while the hobbits and men look on
with unfocused eyes
from below
[S stands for Stupid]
But this disease has an
antidote
and its name is equality.

back to what we know

things fall into place.

people fall into places.

people stumble upon people.

and the choreography, though we awkwardly trip through it at times, is perfect.

and i love my life (still and ever again). and i love the people who have floated, elbowed, and crashed their way into my corner of the universe. i am so fortunate. i am so loved. and i can never express how very much i appreciate and love You. my humans. my ones. without you, there Is nothing. there Is no reason, no purpose, no joy, no pain. no point. You Are Everything. We Are Everything. and I want You to know how inspired i am by You.

thank you thank you thank you thank you {IAMSOFILLED}

miracles happen everyday. and MIRACLES WILL HAPPEN THIS WEEK. because i said so. believe it. be it. you already are.

this is my home. these are my ones. they are mine and i am theirs and we are ours and everyone's. and all is love.

and understanding.

which, albeit not complete, is possible and REAL.

and now for some musics. my amazing brother jeffrey sent me an amazing cd for christmas (thank you to anyone who's ever sent me mail. it is my most favorite thing). and among the wonder i discovered the band boy and bear. whom i adore. there is something of fleet foxes here. behold:





and from my own personal arsenal of musical findings, broadcast 2000:





new year is perfect. new year is fresh. new year is fairly bursting with possibilities. and oh man i just really really love.



and i just don't say that word when i don't mean it.

i want you to feel the thrilling passionate grinding hope i feel at this moment. go.

for clarity's sake...

*addendum: because, as meg, pointed out, i entirely neglected to explain....there was an incident with a sumo suit at a certain new year's eve party.