vulnerability

life soundtrack. click for music.

i think of most comedies as tragedies.

i cry over everyone's life but almost never my own.

i want to believe.

i want to be as nonchalant as i pretend to be.

more than anything, i want you to be happy.

i wish i knew how to make that happen.

i want to feel like it's okay to feel something without a reason for feeling that way.

i want to feel like it's okay to feel.

i'm afraid i will someday feel nothing at all.

we are walking contradictions.

i fear very few tangible things.

i am a hypocrite of optimism.

i worry about people dying. i worry about people losing hope.

i never lose hope in people.

i don't think life is a joke, but i think it has to be a satire of itself if we want to survive it.

i apologize when i don't know how to make something funny (i'm sorry).

i have secrets.

{i desperately miss the person i have yet to know.}

...everything is okay.

limbo

so maybe this is turning into a music blog. maybe i am turning into a music blog.

the truth is that i am swirling in the in-between. there are moments of our lives....moments that sometimes span weeks or years, that very clearly represent something meaningful. something big and powerful. a cymbal's crash. a mountain peak. these are the moments we live for. these are the moments in which we live.

and then there is the rest of the time.

the in-between. limbo.

we spend our time writing stories of adventure and yearning for the day in which such adventure will exist yet again (and to a greater degree, for life's adventures are on a steep incline).

and we write these stories in first-person plural, because to objectify, to universalize, lessens the fear of this limbo lasting forever. when we call it a part of life, a part of everyone's life, it feels somehow less consuming in its blanket existence.

i've just come off a year of intense mountain climbing, and now here i am, floating in the void. and it's frustrating. all intense emotions are absent and i'm left with a sense of reluctant peace to carry me over for the time being, until the next burst of screaming-light-thrill.

every day is an adventure. i know that. and i create that with my actions.

but the great vat of passion inside of me is temporarily without destination. temporarily. i know that. and sooner than later, i will be swirling again in the great eddy of complication and love, of laughter and pain and growth, and perhaps a part of me will miss this void. but something tells me i won't.

oh, wild world, take me away.

what i do have, what i can give my fire and zeal to, is art. is music. things that inspire. things that will climb mountains with me when there is no one around strong enough, full enough, to climb alongside me.

what are your mountains, world?

(try as i might, i miss you. and i'm not ashamed of that. to be without longing would be true emptiness.)

is your great adventure in full swing, or are you in limbo? what colour is the rain that paints your white landscape? where does it come from? who does it drench? what does it smell of? and when it runs away, in rivulets across the page, where does it flow?

something to savour for today and tomorrow: local natives. ♥


(lovely video; it makes me nostalgic for last summer)


(inCREdible song. drums that echo running leaps without safe ground to land upon, and a chorus that....dare i say it?.....makes me dance.)

"i'll endure the night/ for the promise of light"......from the first song i ever heard of theirs...."and even if the morning never comes/ my hands are blessed to have touched the sun."

♥

Crippled.

i often laugh about the multitude of sidebar ads that constantly pop on my computer, saying things such as: "introverts suck!" "shyness is stupid!" "learn to be an extrovert!" etc. because it's okay now, because it can be funny now.

but the thing i hate to admit is that i don't entirely disagree. this introversion, shyness, whathaveyou, has plagued me my whole life. nowadays some people find that hard to believe, or think "sure, maybe you were shy, to some degree. we were all shy once." not so, my friends. not the way i was/am.

the most awful part is that people always attribute "shy" behavior to one of two things: low self esteem or snobbery. neither of which is the case. both of which are appalling and insulting to have it blamed upon. it's impossible to explain that i WANT to meet people, i WANT to talk to people, but i can't even bring myself to make eye contact. i hurry through hellos, avoid small talk at all costs, and get out of there, back to the safety of solitude. I HATE SAFETY. i hate that i do this. but every attempt that i painstakingly make generally fills me with regret and anger, because i can't be genuine when i am in the clutches of this...handicap. whatever you want to call it.

it is ridiculous how powerful it becomes sometimes. i had no friends the majority of my childhood....until tenth grade, actually, when theatre kindly forced friendship upon me in abundance. i always sat at a lunch table alone, almost convincing myself i was content, until the mockery and taunting became too much and i moved my lunchtime abode into a bathroom stall. i would sit there silently and try to escape into books, hoping no one came in. hoping no one noticed me. .... hoping someone would. i later found out many of the people i went to middle school with thought i was crazy.

the funny thing is that once i have just one or two people i feel comfortable with, it is entirely gone and i am free to be myself. it is at these times that i like meeting people, that i feel free and happy and uninhibited. this is most of my life, now. and i forget what it's like the rest of the time.

until it strikes again. and it literally feels like a cripple of sorts. it is the giant, seemingly insurmountable crest standing between me and any would-be friends or even acquaintances. because i don't even have the will to try. it is very easy for me to deepen bonds once they are there. i LOVE people. but it is nearly impossible for me to begin that process unless they sneakretly seep through the cracks in my wall that i can't quite tear down.

my first semester at UVU i was successful in remaining invisible. and it was the worst. so come january, i was more determined than ever to overcome this idiotic little monster. i worked on stage crew for chess, and i literally outlined specific things i would do to build relationships. (e.g. "make eye contact for more than 3 seconds with 3 people. smile at everyone. say hello to 10 people. ask 10 yes/no questions. ask 5 open-ended questions.") i did. i wrote that. in my notebook. and i checked it off at the end of the day, then wrote a new, slightly more difficult list for the next day. it worked. at least, i talked to people. and they talked to me. and after a while we were friends. the problem was that i had to put on a facade to do this, and it took months for my friends to meet "real me."

what i try to do is focus on the other person, to make them feel loved. and it's the most frustrating when i can't even bring myself to do that. when i can't even express honest admiration. because again, i LOVE people. and it does not seem like that, because i hardly make an effort. i just don't want to fake it again.

i'm certainly not as crippled as i was in middle school. most days i fool people into thinking this is easy for me. honestly, i'm the only one who knows there is a problem. and if that's the case, is there a problem? is it all in my head? am i just picking at scars from years ago that have already healed over? i'm going to hope so. i'm going to keep listening, and try to keep talking. i'm going to pray that they come to me. and i'm going to hope against hope that someday i will shake off these shackles (like in forrest gump) and i will run, and this will be easy.

photo by stevie shale @ the great salt lake, 8.26.2010.