Sunday, October 31, 2010
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
i don't always know why. like today, it is nightswimming by r.e.m.
while you listen... i had the following conversation with a man in my linguistics class:
him: So...what do you think of this class?
me: i LOVE it. [insert long-winded explanation of how fascinated i am by grammar, syntax, and the various theories regarding the origin of language]. what about you?
him: (long pause)...I guess i feel very differently. (long pause)
me: i take it you don't like the class? why not?
him: well, we're focusing on the theories rather than the outcome.
me: but we already know the outcome. why would we focus on that?
him: why theorize about it?
me: because there's so much we don't know! there's so much we've yet to discover.
him: we know enough.
i am offended.
and because damon just texted me about raccoons, this:
did you know my dad once had a pet raccoon named trouble? did you know my dad is the most awesome human?
by the by. i apologize for ever feeling sad about my life. about anything, really. because i honestly honestly have a remarkable life. i am blessed with the BEST friends and family...thank you. punch me in the mouth if i complain. i have no reason.
thank you for being you. thank you for being alive. thank you for sharing your life with me. thank you for wearing a seatbelt.
Monday, October 25, 2010
but the thing i hate to admit is that i don't entirely disagree. this introversion, shyness, whathaveyou, has plagued me my whole life. nowadays some people find that hard to believe, or think "sure, maybe you were shy, to some degree. we were all shy once." not so, my friends. not the way i was/am.
the most awful part is that people always attribute "shy" behavior to one of two things: low self esteem or snobbery. neither of which is the case. both of which are appalling and insulting to have it blamed upon. it's impossible to explain that i WANT to meet people, i WANT to talk to people, but i can't even bring myself to make eye contact. i hurry through hellos, avoid small talk at all costs, and get out of there, back to the safety of solitude. I HATE SAFETY. i hate that i do this. but every attempt that i painstakingly make generally fills me with regret and anger, because i can't be genuine when i am in the clutches of this...handicap. whatever you want to call it.
it is ridiculous how powerful it becomes sometimes. i had no friends the majority of my childhood....until tenth grade, actually, when theatre kindly forced friendship upon me in abundance. i always sat at a lunch table alone, almost convincing myself i was content, until the mockery and taunting became too much and i moved my lunchtime abode into a bathroom stall. i would sit there silently and try to escape into books, hoping no one came in. hoping no one noticed me. .... hoping someone would. i later found out many of the people i went to middle school with thought i was crazy.
the funny thing is that once i have just one or two people i feel comfortable with, it is entirely gone and i am free to be myself. it is at these times that i like meeting people, that i feel free and happy and uninhibited. this is most of my life, now. and i forget what it's like the rest of the time.
until it strikes again. and it literally feels like a cripple of sorts. it is the giant, seemingly insurmountable crest standing between me and any would-be friends or even acquaintances. because i don't even have the will to try. it is very easy for me to deepen bonds once they are there. i LOVE people. but it is nearly impossible for me to begin that process unless they sneakretly seep through the cracks in my wall that i can't quite tear down.
my first semester at UVU i was successful in remaining invisible. and it was the worst. so come january, i was more determined than ever to overcome this idiotic little monster. i worked on stage crew for chess, and i literally outlined specific things i would do to build relationships. (e.g. "make eye contact for more than 3 seconds with 3 people. smile at everyone. say hello to 10 people. ask 10 yes/no questions. ask 5 open-ended questions.") i did. i wrote that. in my notebook. and i checked it off at the end of the day, then wrote a new, slightly more difficult list for the next day. it worked. at least, i talked to people. and they talked to me. and after a while we were friends. the problem was that i had to put on a facade to do this, and it took months for my friends to meet "real me."
what i try to do is focus on the other person, to make them feel loved. and it's the most frustrating when i can't even bring myself to do that. when i can't even express honest admiration. because again, i LOVE people. and it does not seem like that, because i hardly make an effort. i just don't want to fake it again.
i'm certainly not as crippled as i was in middle school. most days i fool people into thinking this is easy for me. honestly, i'm the only one who knows there is a problem. and if that's the case, is there a problem? is it all in my head? am i just picking at scars from years ago that have already healed over? i'm going to hope so. i'm going to keep listening, and try to keep talking. i'm going to pray that they come to me. and i'm going to hope against hope that someday i will shake off these shackles (like in forrest gump) and i will run, and this will be easy.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Friday, October 22, 2010
<<--well, this exists. check out the artist's lovely etsy shop. i love gob. and franklin. I NEED SEASON 3!!! come on, hulu.
some days you realize just how fortunate you are. some days it's impossible to forget, and you hope you never do. i think more than anything, what i've learned in the last month is that there truly are no limits on what you can do. it may not be easy, and you may not know AT ALL what you are doing, but it's anything but impossible.
every time in the past when i've visited a beautiful new place, i marveled constantly that "people live here!" it seemed such a distant possibility, to truly do the things i dreamt of doing, to go the places i dreamt of going.
but i live here. i do. i wake up every morning 800 miles away from my origins. i live here. i work here. i go to school in portland. and it's not so much a matter of environment (though the forest does fill me with gleeful disbelief) as astonishment that i have this much control over my life. we are not victim to circumstance. i'm not saying to throw away all reason....well, maybe i am. just--never feel limited by what your life is. because it can be anything you make it. truly truly. UGH, that came out so cheesy. please know in my heart it is anything but.
i have acquired skype. ahem. act accordingly.
i am realizing as my tied-for-favorite holiday draws near that i am probably going to spend it alone. because, let's face it, going to an uncomfortable social gathering is far worse than no gathering at all. at least for an introvert. but i'm thinking i'll throw a pretty radical party with my imaginary friends....OR i could dress as a ghost and haunt the streets and cemeteries of lake oswego. that's an idea.
I do have one final thing to add, and this is vitally important, and directly related to you! I have purchased plane tickets. and i am COMING TO UTAH for thanksgiving and a few surrounding days. do with that what you will. i won't have jacco with me, so i'll be a tad stranded, but i'm willing to hitchhike. pencil me in is what i'm saying, in essence.
what are your halloween plans? how is autumn in utah??? what breathes life into your soul? i want to hear about your world, world. are you still there?
But they deserve it.
They immediately became my absolute favorite band. I thirst for more. their lyrics are *MY SOUL* and the music is knock-you-on-your-back passionate. I will never adequately describe the emotional impact. And Marcus Mumford's voice.................i can't even........
And today...they are in Portland. Of ALL the bands, Mumford & Sons is who I want more than anything to see live. Someday. That is a promise.
Not today, though. So instead, here are some beautiful videos to feast upon. You're welcome.
Monday, October 18, 2010
i can't wait. i drew this in logic today....after i got my test back, which i ACED! ha ha!
did i mention I LOVE HALLOWEEN???
i'm ail duff hue let her stewed hey....hopefully the mail fates are on my side this time (i didn't put them in the FedEx box, so we should be okay).
Sunday, October 17, 2010
piece by piece
the world crumbles down around you
before you know it
left naked with only your
This is what you have to face
(all you have)
for the rest of
bottom of the line
[This is the Center]
not of the universe
but of yours.
barren, cracking ground
stretches out before you indefinitely
not to remain dead but
to be planted, nourished by
your empire to build
yours to destroy
no room can ever hide you from
no sleep will deceive you forever.
Now rather than later
smell the raw
p o s s i b i l i t i e s
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
One of these thoughts is about plurals.
The plural of nemesis is nemeses (nem-iss-seas). Which follows standard rules of English grammar.
But THEN, the plural of premise is premises (prem-iss-is OR prem-iss-seas), sometimes pronounced with the long E sound as well. why is this? why? is this incorrect? or just an anomaly?
Following this train of thought, what about promise? why is the plural, promises, never pronounced prom-iss-seas? Why the inconsistency? not that i mind, but....but why?
these are the things i took notes on today in linguistics, rather than taking notes on what was actually happening during the lecture.
in said class, we talk a lot about the origins of language (this IS going somewhere, i promise). The funny thing is that none of the theories we discuss even acknowledge the possibility of creationism. it's always: "when did we split from the primates and start speaking intelligibly?" "how did the hominid's brain grow enough to be able to comprehend and create language?" Dear everyone, you do know that evolution is a Theory, yes?
there are two camps on this issue: one is that (A) language is innate; we are born with the ability to use and understand language. the other is that (B) language, like any other skill (piano, tying shoes, writing), is entirely learned. Children learn to speak purely through imitation.
There's far more evidence to support claim A. Children are clearly born knowing certain things about language that they are never taught. For instance, how do we all know to say "big red balloon" rather than "red big balloon?" no one taught us this. in fact, studies have proven that "motherese" ("look, say 'doggy!'" "BALL, timmy, that's a BALL.") is completely useless. we do not need parents or anyone else to label things for us to figure out what they are. How do we know that something "out" of the box can be "near" it, but something "in" it can't? Who teaches us these things? No one. Our brains are clearly hardwired with these concepts. Read about pidgins and creoles, if you wish to know more--it's fascinating!
The POINT is, language is clearly inherent. "BUT," the psycholinguists cry, "how did it begin? when did we evolve to develop this magnificent skill?" And that is when i laugh. Because if anyone were to look at the possibility that we didn't evolve, but perhaps knew these things from the beginning, there would be no confusion. Were they to accept that maybe we came from a Father who always spoke to us, and we to him, there wouldn't be any question at all. OF COURSE it's innate. And what's more, it's eternal. No one else in class brings up these points, though. And i wonder if there are a large number of us, silently laughing at all the head-scratching scientists.
And people think religion doesn't make sense.
In other news, can you decode these pictures? this was our in-class assignment today. we were given sentences and told to try and draw pictures of them. then we showed our pictures to other classmates and tried to figure out what they meant. very few of us succeeded. and yes, my artistic renderings may be terrible, but it's an intriguing point.
If you give up, the sentences are in the comments!
Saturday, October 9, 2010
But it's a relief to have an income. I am very grateful for this.