worth 16,001 words

fin.

the things i ramble about.

i think i'm going to start doing a song of the day. because i'll never be able to share all of them.

i don't always know why. like today, it is nightswimming by r.e.m.

while you listen... i had the following conversation with a man in my linguistics class:

him: So...what do you think of this class?
me: i LOVE it. [insert long-winded explanation of how fascinated i am by grammar, syntax, and the various theories regarding the origin of language]. what about you?
him: (long pause)...I guess i feel very differently. (long pause)
me: i take it you don't like the class? why not?
him: well, we're focusing on the theories rather than the outcome.
me: but we already know the outcome. why would we focus on that?
him: why theorize about it?
me: because there's so much we don't know! there's so much we've yet to discover.
him: we know enough.

i am offended.

and because damon just texted me about raccoons, this:

did you know my dad once had a pet raccoon named trouble? did you know my dad is the most awesome human?

by the by. i apologize for ever feeling sad about my life. about anything, really. because i honestly honestly have a remarkable life. i am blessed with the BEST friends and family...thank you. punch me in the mouth if i complain. i have no reason.

thank you for being you. thank you for being alive. thank you for sharing your life with me. thank you for wearing a seatbelt.

Crippled.

i often laugh about the multitude of sidebar ads that constantly pop on my computer, saying things such as: "introverts suck!" "shyness is stupid!" "learn to be an extrovert!" etc. because it's okay now, because it can be funny now.

but the thing i hate to admit is that i don't entirely disagree. this introversion, shyness, whathaveyou, has plagued me my whole life. nowadays some people find that hard to believe, or think "sure, maybe you were shy, to some degree. we were all shy once." not so, my friends. not the way i was/am.

the most awful part is that people always attribute "shy" behavior to one of two things: low self esteem or snobbery. neither of which is the case. both of which are appalling and insulting to have it blamed upon. it's impossible to explain that i WANT to meet people, i WANT to talk to people, but i can't even bring myself to make eye contact. i hurry through hellos, avoid small talk at all costs, and get out of there, back to the safety of solitude. I HATE SAFETY. i hate that i do this. but every attempt that i painstakingly make generally fills me with regret and anger, because i can't be genuine when i am in the clutches of this...handicap. whatever you want to call it.

it is ridiculous how powerful it becomes sometimes. i had no friends the majority of my childhood....until tenth grade, actually, when theatre kindly forced friendship upon me in abundance. i always sat at a lunch table alone, almost convincing myself i was content, until the mockery and taunting became too much and i moved my lunchtime abode into a bathroom stall. i would sit there silently and try to escape into books, hoping no one came in. hoping no one noticed me. .... hoping someone would. i later found out many of the people i went to middle school with thought i was crazy.

the funny thing is that once i have just one or two people i feel comfortable with, it is entirely gone and i am free to be myself. it is at these times that i like meeting people, that i feel free and happy and uninhibited. this is most of my life, now. and i forget what it's like the rest of the time.

until it strikes again. and it literally feels like a cripple of sorts. it is the giant, seemingly insurmountable crest standing between me and any would-be friends or even acquaintances. because i don't even have the will to try. it is very easy for me to deepen bonds once they are there. i LOVE people. but it is nearly impossible for me to begin that process unless they sneakretly seep through the cracks in my wall that i can't quite tear down.

my first semester at UVU i was successful in remaining invisible. and it was the worst. so come january, i was more determined than ever to overcome this idiotic little monster. i worked on stage crew for chess, and i literally outlined specific things i would do to build relationships. (e.g. "make eye contact for more than 3 seconds with 3 people. smile at everyone. say hello to 10 people. ask 10 yes/no questions. ask 5 open-ended questions.") i did. i wrote that. in my notebook. and i checked it off at the end of the day, then wrote a new, slightly more difficult list for the next day. it worked. at least, i talked to people. and they talked to me. and after a while we were friends. the problem was that i had to put on a facade to do this, and it took months for my friends to meet "real me."

what i try to do is focus on the other person, to make them feel loved. and it's the most frustrating when i can't even bring myself to do that. when i can't even express honest admiration. because again, i LOVE people. and it does not seem like that, because i hardly make an effort. i just don't want to fake it again.

i'm certainly not as crippled as i was in middle school. most days i fool people into thinking this is easy for me. honestly, i'm the only one who knows there is a problem. and if that's the case, is there a problem? is it all in my head? am i just picking at scars from years ago that have already healed over? i'm going to hope so. i'm going to keep listening, and try to keep talking. i'm going to pray that they come to me. and i'm going to hope against hope that someday i will shake off these shackles (like in forrest gump) and i will run, and this will be easy.

photo by stevie shale @ the great salt lake, 8.26.2010.

and she fights for her life

thank you, oren lavie.

([{this}])

<<--well, this exists. check out the artist's lovely etsy shop. i love gob. and franklin. I NEED SEASON 3!!! come on, hulu.

some days you realize just how fortunate you are. some days it's impossible to forget, and you hope you never do. i think more than anything, what i've learned in the last month is that there truly are no limits on what you can do. it may not be easy, and you may not know AT ALL what you are doing, but it's anything but impossible.

every time in the past when i've visited a beautiful new place, i marveled constantly that "people live here!" it seemed such a distant possibility, to truly do the things i dreamt of doing, to go the places i dreamt of going.

but i live here. i do. i wake up every morning 800 miles away from my origins. i live here. i work here. i go to school in portland. and it's not so much a matter of environment (though the forest does fill me with gleeful disbelief) as astonishment that i have this much control over my life. we are not victim to circumstance. i'm not saying to throw away all reason....well, maybe i am. just--never feel limited by what your life is. because it can be anything you make it. truly truly. UGH, that came out so cheesy. please know in my heart it is anything but.

i have acquired skype. ahem. act accordingly.

i am realizing as my tied-for-favorite holiday draws near that i am probably going to spend it alone. because, let's face it, going to an uncomfortable social gathering is far worse than no gathering at all. at least for an introvert. but i'm thinking i'll throw a pretty radical party with my imaginary friends....OR i could dress as a ghost and haunt the streets and cemeteries of lake oswego. that's an idea.

I do have one final thing to add, and this is vitally important, and directly related to you! I have purchased plane tickets. and i am COMING TO UTAH for thanksgiving and a few surrounding days. do with that what you will. i won't have jacco with me, so i'll be a tad stranded, but i'm willing to hitchhike. pencil me in is what i'm saying, in essence.

what are your halloween plans? how is autumn in utah??? what breathes life into your soul? i want to hear about your world, world. are you still there?

Beauty.

I know I've already obsessed over Mumford & Sons....twice...sneakretly.

But they deserve it.

They immediately became my absolute favorite band. I thirst for more. their lyrics are *MY SOUL* and the music is knock-you-on-your-back passionate. I will never adequately describe the emotional impact. And Marcus Mumford's voice.................i can't even........

And today...they are in Portland. Of ALL the bands, Mumford & Sons is who I want more than anything to see live. Someday. That is a promise.

Not today, though. So instead, here are some beautiful videos to feast upon. You're welcome.

anticipatory for two reasons

happy hallow's!!!

i can't wait. i drew this in logic today....after i got my test back, which i ACED! ha ha!

i invented haunted halloween camping today. it's become a life goal to make it happen.

did i mention I LOVE HALLOWEEN???

i'm ail duff hue let her stewed hey....hopefully the mail fates are on my side this time (i didn't put them in the FedEx box, so we should be okay).

(hello)

piece by piece

the world crumbles down around you

before you know it

you

are

alone

left naked with only your

reflection.

This is what you have to face

(all you have)

for the rest of

forever

bottom of the line

[This is the Center]

not of the universe

but of yours.

barren, cracking ground

stretches out before you indefinitely

not to remain dead but

to be planted, nourished by

you

yourself

alone

your empire to build

yours to destroy

no room can ever hide you from

[yourself.]

no sleep will deceive you forever.

open. eyes.

Now rather than later

smell the raw

p o s s i b i l i t i e s

listen to

(your own)

whispered secrets

and

above

all

else...

LIVE.

Words, words, words! (and a puzzle)

I have some thoughts.

One of these thoughts is about plurals.

The plural of nemesis is nemeses (nem-iss-seas). Which follows standard rules of English grammar.

But THEN, the plural of premise is premises (prem-iss-is OR prem-iss-seas), sometimes pronounced with the long E sound as well. why is this? why? is this incorrect? or just an anomaly?

Following this train of thought, what about promise? why is the plural, promises, never pronounced prom-iss-seas? Why the inconsistency? not that i mind, but....but why?

these are the things i took notes on today in linguistics, rather than taking notes on what was actually happening during the lecture.

in said class, we talk a lot about the origins of language (this IS going somewhere, i promise). The funny thing is that none of the theories we discuss even acknowledge the possibility of creationism. it's always: "when did we split from the primates and start speaking intelligibly?" "how did the hominid's brain grow enough to be able to comprehend and create language?" Dear everyone, you do know that evolution is a Theory, yes?

there are two camps on this issue: one is that (A) language is innate; we are born with the ability to use and understand language. the other is that (B) language, like any other skill (piano, tying shoes, writing), is entirely learned. Children learn to speak purely through imitation.

There's far more evidence to support claim A. Children are clearly born knowing certain things about language that they are never taught. For instance, how do we all know to say "big red balloon" rather than "red big balloon?" no one taught us this. in fact, studies have proven that "motherese" ("look, say 'doggy!'" "BALL, timmy, that's a BALL.") is completely useless. we do not need parents or anyone else to label things for us to figure out what they are. How do we know that something "out" of the box can be "near" it, but something "in" it can't? Who teaches us these things? No one. Our brains are clearly hardwired with these concepts. Read about pidgins and creoles, if you wish to know more--it's fascinating!

The POINT is, language is clearly inherent. "BUT," the psycholinguists cry, "how did it begin? when did we evolve to develop this magnificent skill?" And that is when i laugh. Because if anyone were to look at the possibility that we didn't evolve, but perhaps knew these things from the beginning, there would be no confusion. Were they to accept that maybe we came from a Father who always spoke to us, and we to him, there wouldn't be any question at all. OF COURSE it's innate. And what's more, it's eternal. No one else in class brings up these points, though. And i wonder if there are a large number of us, silently laughing at all the head-scratching scientists.

And people think religion doesn't make sense.

In other news, can you decode these pictures? this was our in-class assignment today. we were given sentences and told to try and draw pictures of them. then we showed our pictures to other classmates and tried to figure out what they meant. very few of us succeeded. and yes, my artistic renderings may be terrible, but it's an intriguing point.

If you give up, the sentences are in the comments!

To the City of Light!

Well, as many of you know, I have obtained a job! I am now a server at Chevy's Mexican Restaurant. I feel a bit like I just signed up for prison.

But it's a relief to have an income. I am very grateful for this.

I've been spending a lot of time with myself lately. My roommate Katie has a busy life full of work and nursing school, and I don't really know anyone else, so here I stay. Or rather, with myself I remain. I go plenty of places. The other day I had a picnic in the park, read some books, wrote in my journal, and went for a walk. 'Twas lovely.

And tonight, I found it! I found it, humans, the very thing I have craved for YEARS! That's right, The Brave Little Toaster. I can't believe i didn't think of it before, but there it is, in its entirety, on Youtube. Oh, that

glorious movie. It is my childhood.

I'm only about twenty minutes into it, but I thought I should share the lyrics to the first musical number, "City of Light."

Life is like a journey on a road that's within
Head says you should stay, but your heart says to begin
So you go
But you don't wanna go

Any life worth living
Isn't life just filled with ease
You just stay forgiving through the forest and the trees
And you'll go
Just where you wanna go

Time flies by in the city of light
Time stands still in the country
There's no time for a fuss and a fight
As we travel the land
And I'd be satisfied just to be not denied
To reside with some pride
While I ride
To the city, the city of light!

Light shines like a diamond in the city at night
When that diamond shines you know that everything's all right
But you know
We got a way to go

Let us meet the master
We don't wanna make him wait
You just keep a-knockin'
He will open up the gate
To that city of light

Master is a man with a plan I can understand
Master is a man of great reflection
Master is a man who lays his hand across the land
Master is the man of our affection

Time flies by in the city of light
Time stands still in the country
There's no time for a fuss and a fight
As we travel the land
And I'd be satisfied just to be not denied
To reside with some pride
While I ride
To the city, the city of light!

Odd....is this movie some kind of allegory for the plan of salvation? Just look at stanzas 5 and 6...this will require some contemplation. I'll let you know if the rest of the plot fits into this hypothesis.

ALSO, what the suicidal themes? This air conditioner splodes himself due to low self-esteem. The things I didn't know...

suspended/clapter

i need access to a piano.

ALSO. ... no, no, i didn't actually have anything to say there.

i discovered a few years back that it is shockingly simple to start a round of applause. you should try it someday. i realized this during a high school assembly, when the entire crowd would spontaneously break out in cheering and howling, seemingly unrelated to what was happening onstage. I decided to conduct an experiment, and so i did. I waited until it had been silent for almost a minute, and then, without preamble, clapped loudly and shouted, "WOOOOOO!" This could have been embarrassing, but lucky for me, my hypothesis was correct and humans are, in fact, ridiculously easily influenced. the auditorium erupted with noise, and after it died down, all went on as usual. no one was the wiser. and it has never failed me.

out of boredom, i conducted the same experiment in my improv class. in a setting so conducive to clapter (it exists), i knew it would be effective. and so it was. each time a student entered the classroom, a round of applause broke out. each time someone started to get slightly self-deprecating, we cheered for them. and no one ever knew they were being tested. humans are glorious.

some times i would NOT suggest trying this: at church (i have accidentally done so before, and no one joins in. no one.). at a funeral. maybe. i suppose that one depends. in a bathroom? no, actually, someone should definitely try that. report back to me.

i have 2 job interviews this week. please please please.

i could say a lot or a little at this moment. i'll make it easier by leaving it at a little. have a lovely evening.

Oh, and everybody in Antigone and King Arthur, break legs!

oh hello, autumn! {a playlist for you}

little inspirations.

mumford&sons. this. (listen to this. now.)

a poem on the bus:

Separation by W.S. Merwin
Your absence has gone through me
Like thread through a needle.
Everything I do is stitched with its color.