textular nostalgia + buddy holly

my ghetto little cellular device has a rather small storage capacity, so i delete most messages immediately after receiving them to avoid the panicky "inbox full" message. some make it past the initial instinct, however, and it's fun from time to time to review which messages apparently deserved a second viewing. Here are a few of mine:

"Balls. Those are the only things I'm good at."

"Puma dildo land raid? Amazing!"

"yes. plan B as in other options, rather than the emergency contraception pill of the same name. I'll check."

"Eating Tara's ice cream and listening to Seal and thinking of you!"

"page two eighty of the return of the king."

"i got yelled at for saying goodbye to you on her time. I walked out."

"I am so excited for you to be a mother. Don't ask why I thought it. It just happened and I smiled."

Today marks a sad occasion. You see, today (February 3rd) is the 52nd anniversary of The Day the Music Died, when a plane containing Buddy Holly, Ritchie Valens, and J. P. "The Big Bopper" Richardson crashed on its way to a show in Clear Lake, Iowa, killing all passengers and the pilot on impact.

Maria Elena, Holly's bride of barely 6 months, was widowed. "In a way, I blame myself," she said. "I was not feeling well when he left. I was two weeks pregnant, and I wanted Buddy to stay with me, but he had scheduled that tour. It was the only time I wasn't with him. And I blame myself because I know that, if only I had gone along, Buddy never would have gotten into that airplane." She miscarried the baby shortly after.

My songs of the day are in honour of Buddy and Maria, plus all the true rockstars who were a part of this tragedy.





Oh, Boy! by Buddy Holly

Everyday by Buddy Holly



and thank you, Don McLean, for your lovely tribute:
American Pie

Buddy Holly, you will always be the King of Rock and Roll to me.

near perfection.

song of the day: Start a War by The National

no, really, though. you should know that my life is amazing. my weekend consisted of roller derby, flight of the conchords, THE OREGON COAST, beach bonfires, stars, stories, learning new words, church, shooting children with nerf guns, and games night. Oh, and Severely Wonderful Humans. i love my ward. and i love my friends. and i...

i love the ocean. every time i see it, i am filled with this rushing energy of eternity and power. the whole world feels invincible and mighty, and i am a small yet somehow significant part of it that could be swept away at any moment. there's something freeing in feeling so powerless. knowing i am surrounded by much larger powers than my own. i have an unofficial ritual. when i see the ocean, when i reach the shoreline, i run to meet it, and stop just short of the water. then i allow it to consume me (emotionally). i can't explain this part. it just happens, and there is jumping and smiling and squealing and occasionally tears, and it is incredible. then i run or walk along the water line until i can breathe again, or until i can't.

just know that if you ever take me to the ocean, these things will happen.

i am living in a dream that i have woven.

this picture is directly out of my imagination, albeit a bit blurrier. i am so astonished at what my life is. i'm sorry for all my vague statements, but i prefer to feel there is some degree of mystery in my existence....i adore everything. just know that. the oceans and the forest are only outward representations, symbols, of the consuming bliss i have found here.

for those of you who don't recall, i came here without an inkling of the reason why. i came here with no money and no plan, other than to study with the national exchange program for a year. and then, i supposed, i would return, perhaps. well, nothing has gone according to plan. which, if you know me at all, i consider to be a magnificent thing. i got a job which vaguely supported me for a while, but soon i was running out of money. it was find a new job or go home. legitimately. there was an ultimatum, and i almost failed. but miracle after miracle has kept me here, and i know more than ever that THIS IS WHERE I AM SUPPOSED TO BE. and i couldn't be happier about that fact, for this place is my personal heaven. these people are my ones. My Ones.

everything feels like christmas, only lasting. and every day is a surprise. and every week my life changes. i swear my jaw is still hanging open 90% of the time.

Jaunty Chapeau (damon's playlist)

contains the brains (mi playlist)

*risk*

***She edged her way out from behind the parapet of her inhibition, eyes nervously darting in every direction. Every direction but behind, because that was an insignificant and shadowed place that held neither danger nor progress. Nostalgia never moved anything forward.

Lights sped by with dizzying velocity. Every encounter, coloured by the Doppler effect, felt like an almost imperceptible brush. And yet all the same, she sensed the peril the scene held if she were to move any closer. She was hoping to, for a few moments at least, simply observe. To plot her plot, and chart the safest course to the other side. But she hadn't anticipated the other set of eyes. Before she could prepare, he had caught her attention. And she, perhaps, had caught his as well. There, across the black and treacherous highway, boldly connecting with her own gaze, he waited. And she stepped into the light.

With one wrong step it would all be over. One of the great beasts let out a wail of warning as it flew past. She skittered back into the safety of the waiting forest, but couldn't help stopping. Couldn't help looking over her shoulder. Just....to see. To her great delight and trepidation, he was stepping over that great white line, toward her. She could see him more clearly now. Though his stance conveyed fearlessness, there was a quiver in his movement, an uncertain something in his look. And she was drawn to him.

Seconds felt like years as the crossing began. Each moment, her anticipation grew, and in parallel, so did her terror. They darted in tandem, realizing with each leap how very far apart they were, and how very hazardous their need for closeness was. If she could only look away, she could watch for traffic, could protect herself from the fatal blow. But his faith lent itself to her, and they flung themselves forward gracelessly. How very wide this highway was!

And then, before she could remember to inhale, a blinding flash of light, and there was no time to move. This was the end or it was the beginning. And it didn't much seem to matter now.***






oh, and this, of course:

when water comes to life by cloud cult.

remember spring swaps snow for leaves

what a joyful existence ever i lead! thank you thank you!

umm......it's been a really good week. i have few words, because of this. :)

oh, quick shout-out to BYU for their INCREDIBLE game tonight (!!!), which i had multiple sources narrating to me via phone. Go Cougars! ....i am entertained by sports, from time to time.

i'm kind of in love with my new job. i'm not sure i come across that way, as i'm usually functioning on about two hours of sleep due to DSPS insomnia....but i actually really do love my job. i love filing....and desks....and date-stamps....i love feeling productive and not being dehumanized.

so i recently challenged damon to a duel of the playlists, the theme being "colours" and the length 13 tracks. the results are below. you may partake of them. please do. and happy wednesday. and happy birthday to my sister rose! and happy.

quite happy.

Biv, Roy G. (guest playlist by Damon!)

sing to the aminals!

this theme was way too easy.

realizations:

there are no boring people, only bored people. talk with someone about something they're passionate about, and you will discover that everyone is fascinating.

as limitless as the suffering in the world may be, so is the love. i, for one, would like to be a proponent of the movement for infinite love.

no matter how terrible/horrifying life can sometimes be, it's also hilarious.

the most interesting people are the ones who want to know everything. the eternal student is a truly wise soul, for he is always bettering himself.

there may be nothing more fulfilling to me than a meaningful, thought-provoking conversation.

a person's recurring dreams say a lot about them.

maybe sometimes the only reason horrid things happen is for the sake of having a funny story.

perspective is the key to most everything.

all this joking may have made me an actual supporter of male chauvinism. there seems to be no line between reality and play anymore.

i am surrounded by incredibly inspiring and inspired people. i have a lot to live up to, and i'm thrilled about it.

nothing will ever replace music. your treat today: swim until you can't see land by frightened rabbit. what the amazing, frightened rabbit.

with great power: my ode to the school of myers-briggs

okay, first, listen to this: The Night You Left New York by Slow Six. not necessarily first. you can listen while you read. all right, it's very long. almost ten minutes. but i promise you it will be worth it. when have i ever steered you wrong (as far as music is concerned)? also, if you're smart, all the songs i post on my blog are obtainable. ask me if you're confused. but keep it hush-hush.

now to our featured writing: this is an old poem. and not as applicable or strongly felt as it was then. but why not say it? why not say anything?

these nuclear ABCs
thrust into our hands
regurgitated alphabet soup
[that leaks into our pores
and infects our veins]
TOO.MUCH.POWER
like cars or the internet or love
we become
ambassadors of understanding and
weapons of judgment
glowing radiation from our pedestal
bestowing
{four letter names}
like godly gifts:
“You're Welcome”
and argument is futile
because we are
the educated ones
and moreover
the intuitives
wizards, elves
while the hobbits and men look on
with unfocused eyes
from below
[S stands for Stupid]
But this disease has an
antidote
and its name is equality.

back to what we know

things fall into place.

people fall into places.

people stumble upon people.

and the choreography, though we awkwardly trip through it at times, is perfect.

and i love my life (still and ever again). and i love the people who have floated, elbowed, and crashed their way into my corner of the universe. i am so fortunate. i am so loved. and i can never express how very much i appreciate and love You. my humans. my ones. without you, there Is nothing. there Is no reason, no purpose, no joy, no pain. no point. You Are Everything. We Are Everything. and I want You to know how inspired i am by You.

thank you thank you thank you thank you {IAMSOFILLED}

miracles happen everyday. and MIRACLES WILL HAPPEN THIS WEEK. because i said so. believe it. be it. you already are.

this is my home. these are my ones. they are mine and i am theirs and we are ours and everyone's. and all is love.

and understanding.

which, albeit not complete, is possible and REAL.

and now for some musics. my amazing brother jeffrey sent me an amazing cd for christmas (thank you to anyone who's ever sent me mail. it is my most favorite thing). and among the wonder i discovered the band boy and bear. whom i adore. there is something of fleet foxes here. behold:





and from my own personal arsenal of musical findings, broadcast 2000:





new year is perfect. new year is fresh. new year is fairly bursting with possibilities. and oh man i just really really love.



and i just don't say that word when i don't mean it.

i want you to feel the thrilling passionate grinding hope i feel at this moment. go.

vulnerability

life soundtrack. click for music.

i think of most comedies as tragedies.

i cry over everyone's life but almost never my own.

i want to believe.

i want to be as nonchalant as i pretend to be.

more than anything, i want you to be happy.

i wish i knew how to make that happen.

i want to feel like it's okay to feel something without a reason for feeling that way.

i want to feel like it's okay to feel.

i'm afraid i will someday feel nothing at all.

we are walking contradictions.

i fear very few tangible things.

i am a hypocrite of optimism.

i worry about people dying. i worry about people losing hope.

i never lose hope in people.

i don't think life is a joke, but i think it has to be a satire of itself if we want to survive it.

i apologize when i don't know how to make something funny (i'm sorry).

i have secrets.

{i desperately miss the person i have yet to know.}

...everything is okay.

hey guys! it's christmas time!

i can't very well quote a sufjan song title and not include it in the post. so HERE!

and now partake in the christmas spirit of lake oswego. this town is literally my dream come true. when people ask, "if you could live anywhere, where would you live?" ....i say "here."

golly, i sure do love you people. i am the luckiest human.

maybe my most favorite squirrel friend.

to love.

" Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men." -Luke 2:14

two roads diverged

(i love robert frost, but that's all i'm going to say about that poem)

okay, listen to THIS now (in another tab). then continue. this. is. my favorite song. in the universe. i force myself to wait between listenings.

i have been praying for and pleading for an epiphany, a new awakening. it's been too long. and i think i've found it, a little.

i can't tell you what it is.

maybe that's because i don't quite know what it is....yet.

i love being cryptic. don't you? no, i know, it's awful. so annoying. i know.

i'll know by the end of the month, though, and so will you. though i'm sure it won't be as monumental to you as it will to me.

i see two roads before me (immediate roads; we're ignoring the billions of eventual possibilities, for now). and, more than ever before, i love both of the roads. so much. i am entirely too excited at the possibility of either.

and maybe the best part of it all is this: i don't have to choose. HALLELUJAH! my year has been FAR too full of choices. such hard choices. and it is oh-so-liberating to think that it's not entirely up to me this time. i am going to do everything within my power to even the scale, and then it's up to Him to decide my future. and i trust His judgment a million times over my own.

this is good news.

and it's christmas.

and i love so many people. thank you for contributing to my glorious world. i want to tell you...all....how very treasured your existence is. someday, somehow.

and i want to hear your tales of cheer. or sorrow. or hope, or longing, or passion, or humor. i want to hear your soul's song across this expanse.

life is so many things. having plans is overrated. at least for me.

this adventure is incredible. PAZOW!!!

limbo

so maybe this is turning into a music blog. maybe i am turning into a music blog.

the truth is that i am swirling in the in-between. there are moments of our lives....moments that sometimes span weeks or years, that very clearly represent something meaningful. something big and powerful. a cymbal's crash. a mountain peak. these are the moments we live for. these are the moments in which we live.

and then there is the rest of the time.

the in-between. limbo.

we spend our time writing stories of adventure and yearning for the day in which such adventure will exist yet again (and to a greater degree, for life's adventures are on a steep incline).

and we write these stories in first-person plural, because to objectify, to universalize, lessens the fear of this limbo lasting forever. when we call it a part of life, a part of everyone's life, it feels somehow less consuming in its blanket existence.

i've just come off a year of intense mountain climbing, and now here i am, floating in the void. and it's frustrating. all intense emotions are absent and i'm left with a sense of reluctant peace to carry me over for the time being, until the next burst of screaming-light-thrill.

every day is an adventure. i know that. and i create that with my actions.

but the great vat of passion inside of me is temporarily without destination. temporarily. i know that. and sooner than later, i will be swirling again in the great eddy of complication and love, of laughter and pain and growth, and perhaps a part of me will miss this void. but something tells me i won't.

oh, wild world, take me away.

what i do have, what i can give my fire and zeal to, is art. is music. things that inspire. things that will climb mountains with me when there is no one around strong enough, full enough, to climb alongside me.

what are your mountains, world?

(try as i might, i miss you. and i'm not ashamed of that. to be without longing would be true emptiness.)

is your great adventure in full swing, or are you in limbo? what colour is the rain that paints your white landscape? where does it come from? who does it drench? what does it smell of? and when it runs away, in rivulets across the page, where does it flow?

something to savour for today and tomorrow: local natives. ♥


(lovely video; it makes me nostalgic for last summer)


(inCREdible song. drums that echo running leaps without safe ground to land upon, and a chorus that....dare i say it?.....makes me dance.)

"i'll endure the night/ for the promise of light"......from the first song i ever heard of theirs...."and even if the morning never comes/ my hands are blessed to have touched the sun."

♥

BAM! new playlist.

what makes you feel alive right now?