let me fly this plane by myself, and let me crash it. oh, let me crash it hard and fatally. let me spiral dive plummet explode into the mysterious dark that is the ground. let me shake the earth with my impact. let me shrink until i am invisible. let me expand until i am unimaginable. give me mountains. give me lightning storms so vivid that the sky is the white-blue electricity and dark lines run across it in chaotic patterns. give me a volcano that will blast me beyond the farthest reaches of science, into a void that will fill me like nothing else can. give me deepest sorrow, for without it, there is no ultimate joy. break my heart suddenly and slowly. don't stop. let me walk until my feet shatter themselves out of rebellion. that place, the place where i am forced to stop, will become my new home. crush my bones. take my hands and my feet and stretch me until my anguished figure covers oceans. hold me until i forget what alone felt like. abandon me. drop me. lift me up, up, until the air is too thin and my vision goes black. bury me in an avalanche. let my stomping make footfalls louder than a sonic boom. let me catch acid rain on my tongue. give me breathtaking tragedies and bittersweet miracles. let my heartbeat never slow, never rest, but thrum on, unsteadily, in a wild and unpredictable mountain range of vivacity. let me sing notes of dissonance until lurid redness streams from my ears and my throat. vacuum the air from my lungs and the blood from my veins. let the waters pound over me in salty undulating throbs. no need for narcissistic questioning and coddling--surround me in action and impossibly powerful people. give me life. give me inspiration. give me the strength to inspire. I know what i am saying. i know what i am asking for. and this letter is to no one but myself.